The Way The Cookie Crumbles

Now you may not know but I LOVE CHRISTMAS!! It is my favourite holiday and may even trump my own birthday. I love the decorations and lights and buying people presents. I love the food and the drink as well and everything is sparkly and full of hope. This is the first christmas in a while where I haven't been working and everyone has moved out so it's not the same but it's still just... amazing!

In my family we have never had a traditional turkey so this year is no different. My mum is making lamb with all the trimmings. My favourite part of the Christmas meal is chestnuts, bacon and sprouts all fried up in a big pan; chipolata sausages wrapped in bacon and roast potatoes! Even writing this is making me hungry. I think the best Christmas dinner I've ever had has been a three bird roast. Super yummy and I still remember it to this day!

This year was very tiring and I always misjudge how hectic it's going to be. It is often difficult to be around family in such an intense way during the holiday season but it always reminds me how much I am loved and do love my jumbled up and dysfunctional family, no matter how hard the year.

Recently I decided I was in need of some papering. I had been through a diagnosis, a stressful university situation and moving back home and it's hard to not try and look for the next thing to help me in the future. So as I was wading through prospectuses and PIP forms I was having trouble sleeping, which is not uncommon to me at all, and so I turned to relaxing baths. 

Recently, I made a rather big decision of suspending my university course in order to try a year of therapy to help manage my condition. Whilst that was really difficult for me I was looking forward to my first group session. When you go through a two year investigation into your illness, you will grasp at any help you can get and this was my first leg up. 
I arrived on a rather windy November morning to a full waiting room. I was instantly intimidated as I signed in and was so glad I'd had the forethought to ask my mum to come with me. Very soon after that a lady called all the CFS/ME patients forward and I was surprised how many of us there were, as we headed up the stairs to a very stuffy, warm meeting room. The first thing that struck me was that I was the youngest there by a lot and that we were all women. We learnt later on that CFS/ME affects people aged 20-40 the most and women 4 times as much as men! Noone knows why, but then with this condition you learn that noone knows a lot about anything to do with it; causes, symptoms or even management. 
However, there is research being done and studies which makes me very hopeful for the future. Throughout the session we learnt about the condition, its history and how it affects us individually. I know this sounds strange, but it was very reassuring having someone nod in agreement or even say a symptom you have. I wasn't crazy after all! We had good discussions about how the condition affects social, psychological and physiological aspects of life, how others react to it and coping mechanisms. After the 2 hour long session (which was pleasantly interrupted by tea and biscuits) the gave us all an information sheet, booklet and activity diary to complete and send back. I felt so positive after going; I felt as if there is hope and I can get better. Once I send the diary off I know it will take 8-9 weeks to get an individual appointment, but I've always had to fight and I'm not about to give up now. 

I think that sometimes you say you have a condition and people either think that that's it for you or that you can be magically cured. However, I know i will have to live with CFS for the rest of my life but I now know that it can't stop me. I have the power to control my symptoms and not let them control me. With relaxation techniques and graded exercise therapy I can prove people wrong and become anything I want to. I will fight universities who tell me I'll never cope; I will fight lecturers who tell me I'll never get the career I want and I will fight anyone who says that I should just give up or deal with it because I am my own person. I didn't ask for this, none of it is my fault so why should I apologize to anyone who chooses not to understand.  

Hey lovely people of the internet,
Today I wanted to talk about something that has been on my mind recently. I have found that in life, generally, nothing happens on its own. There are never events like passing a driving test or my sister having a baby that happen singularly. There is always another big thing happening at the same time and then we go months without much going on. Now, I am unsure as to whether this is due to having a large family or just the ages of us or what but for some reason it has happened for as long as I can remember. For example when my sister was having my nephew, my parents got in a car accident (both fine); my brother got in another separate car accident and wrote it off (he was also completely fine); I started a new job and my other sister's boyfriend got a new job. So yeah it was kinda a hectic 3 weeks! 

Hey guys, so today I tried something very different, Aqua fit. 
It is basically aerobics in the water with a gaggle of ladies and it's so difficult. I went along with my mum and I was pretty glad I had because the amount of elderly ladies that were there kinda intimidated me. The chatter was real, people. But after the initial 'you're new', 'you should be good at this because you're young', small talk it was time to enter the pool. 

I have been struggling for a while for a good skin care routine that won't break me out without drying my skin out. I have combination to dry skin and regularly have breakouts on my chin and nose. I have tried simple skin care, which I still love, but it wasn't doing as much as I had hopes. Therefore when I was introduced to Neutrogena I decided to give it a go. I tried some products from their visibly clear range and here are my thoughts.

I have always loved cocktails from as young as 10 I was captivated by my dad mixing colourful liquors and ice and creating an amazing drink. I wanted to be a bar tender and even got a place at a mixology school but couldn't go in the end. However, that never quelled my passion for those amazing drinks. For me, cocktails are special because they can be made from a range of different ingredients and are all made differently by every bartender in every bar. And when you find one you love it is very hard to forget it. 

Now I don't know whether I've mentioned it before but I'm going to university in September and therefore I am preparing for it now. I have bought most of the things I will need, and due to the fact that I always overpack, I have accounted for every eventuality.

I have recently found out that there is a very fine line between being rude and not being pushed around, let me explain.

Now some of the most observant amongst you may have realised that the blog title has changed. I am no longer the walking cliche 'New Year, New Me' but am an old english phrase '(That's)The way the cookie crumbles'. I like it and I might change it again and think it's extremely stupid but at the moment it stays. 
My week's been interesting to say the least. I caught up with the bff last night which was brilliant. We always seem to talk for ages on skype and he makes me laugh way too much as well as talking about some really deep shiz. Some might say we have a strange friendship but it's ours. 

So I have noticed recently that I stand on my own two feet alot. Now that sounds obvious as I am a human and I walk on two feet but I mean it in the more metaphorical sense. I rely on myself and my own ability a heck of a lot for someone who just wrote a post on not feeling good enough in the past, but let me explain.

I PASSED!!

What a feeling. All this week I have felt like I was walking on clouds. I have achieved something most adults do and have passed through the veil into the land of responsibility and it feels amazing. I'm sure when the reality of buying a car and insurance and road tax sinks in I won't feel like this but until then I will soak it all up.

Hi guys,
So today I have been feeling really weird, weirder than normal. I have had an upset and painful tummy and had shivers. I have come to the conclusion that it's my body reminding me that i'm nervous. I know, shock horror. The gasps of disbelieve are audible through the screen...
I am usually a very confident person, I know what I am good at and will give most things a go and try to be confident when doing them, however driving is not one of those things. Let me tell you a tale of my experiences. 

Wow, my last blog post was kinda loaded, no?
Sorry about that. I guess I just wanted to get it all out whilst i still felt like it. Anywho, I got to thinking today about apocalyptic/survival movies and how there's always been one thing in the back of my mind that has always bugged me.
How do they shave/apply make up?

Hellooooo!
Wow well this feels weird. It's been what; a fair few months at least since I last posted on this blog. I almost forgot I had one and then remembered that the internet is FOREVER. Maybe a bit dramatic for my first one back but bare with me.
So, what's been happening since my last post, noone is wondering. Well, I reply to myself, lots and not much really. I know, another idiom which means nothing. Since my rather depressing realisation that everyone around me was changing and I was being a typical, plug in my earphones and grunt, teenager things have changed. 
I applied for another job (this time in events), my parents are well... no lets not drag that all up here. I can do another post on relationships with parents, heck I could probably write a whole book on it and still not quite understand.

Hi again,
Lately, to cope with the oppressive loneliness of my bedroom and the lack of alcohol in it, I have taken to watching an unhealthy amount of really old tv shows; one of which being 'The Inbetweeners'. Now I absolutely love that show. It's full of awkward teenage moments and brilliant clever comedy which relates to almost everyone... except me apparently.

Ok so yeah, maybe I was a tad optimistic that I would do a daily blog but I will perceiver. I know I've missed a couple of days but weekly is much more my style. Bridesmaid shopping was ok, tiring and disappointing but not the worst shopping experience I've ever had. Trying on dresses that were way too big for me gave me a small sense of smugness but they were all horrid so that was a downer.
I'm looking forward to the applicant day at Birmingham this week as it will be the first time I actually see the place I will be spending 3 and a bit years of my life.

It was another tiring day today, as in I was tired and I watched an emotional and highly tense episode of foyles war. I caught up with a friend today and I think we've managed to put the jealousy thing behind us, not least because she seems to be making more mistakes than me. But that's life isn't it so technically I should be annoyed that she's living more than me. My nail extension has just flung off, not the whole nail because I could cope with that, juts the colour gel on top. So i'm left with an emaciated acrylic tip which looks like my skin has grown around my nail....so weird and gross.
Will have to sort that out tomorrow. Did some actual exercise today in the form of a work out dvd and felt really hungry afterwards so idk if it helped.
I don't know when it happened but I have become obsessed with pop culture quiz shows. Never mind the buzzcocks, Was it something I said, the big fat quiz and QI have now taken over my life and I just find them so funny and interesting to watch. I also have taken a shine to Richard something who was on the IT crowd and is a hilarious comedian!
Ah well, should sleep now.
Talk soon

A poem by Emma Cook

Lady on the bus accusing me of being rude,
how you would cringe if you only knew,
How you would squirm and squeal,
If you heard what I will reveal.

That tap on my shoulder, to you, meant nothing,
an action for attention, a subtle attempt,
harsher than "excuse me" but taking as much courage.

However,

To me, that tap brought it all back.
the Teasing, the Names, the Hate.
Terror fills me again.
Not wanting to turn round but knowing what the consequence would be.
The escalated violence, impatient shouting and
Me, burrowing into myself.
My exterior like a shell, my face a mask
Impenetrable fortress.

Or so it seems.

Little did you know the thoughts inside which never surfaced,
The haunting Nightmares.
Even though you had nothing worth hearing
I heard every word
every syllable
every sound.

So I almost forgot about doing a blog post. Nothing really happened today.
I did my washing, day dreamed about what it would feel like to win an Oscar whilst all my ex friends and ex boyfriends watched on tv... (it would feel amazing!) and just was on the ASOS sale all day.
I love looking at clothes on websites, I might not buy any because lets face it, I don't have a job or any disposable income but I love the cuts, colours and styles. I love filling up a basket with outfit ideas from the clothes right down to the accessories! I honestly love clothes and fashion and especially my fashion. Yeah, it might be more who's wood? than Westwood but choosing what to wear every day or what to wear when I go out (on the odd occasion)  is such a huge part of me.
That's why this week has been weird for me and I've felt out of sorts. I've basically been wearing pjs, a huskie onesie or just jeans and stupidly old tops that are so baggy and misshapen they are more like blankets with sleeves.
So maybe that can be something I do to get me up and doing something every day. An outfit of the day! I know beauty bloggers have been doing this for, like ever. But why does it have to be just for them. I know my haute couture from my high street and if there's anything textiles Alevel has taught me, its that fashion is for everyone, it's just about learning what suits you.
I've also been working on a poem so I might post that too... who knows what the future will bring...

No, I haven't been to the all consuming and illusive gym but I have been to baby clinic.
Yes, I know its not the same thing at all but it was a new experience.
I started the day early and went over to my sister's to help out with the baby. I'm really pleased that we're spending more time together and she's teaching me how to look after the baby. You never know when that'll come in handy!
So, we made a delicious lasagne together, if I may say so myself, and I went to baby clinic...
Baby clinic is a trial by fire for new parents. Once you set foot in the waiting room you are instantly scrutinized as other mothers look you and then your baby, up and down. Then the judgement, either a pity smile or a flick of hair as they gaze back at their precious baby (who is invariably screaming their little lungs out). Then the wait... ten minutes in and "Bull" the name which jolts us out of our awkward complacency and then the weighing takes five minutes, you leave almost immediately and the whole ordeal is over.
It was a real eye opener, and I do feel honoured for being asked to go.
So after eating a quarter of a lasagne and half a baguette of garlic bread, I'm drinking cider and feel like I could drop any second. It's good to feel tired again. It makes me feel like I have actually done something today.
Tomorrow I will go to the gym as they say absence makes the heart grow fonder.

I will admit, my new years revamp isn't going excactly to plan. I haven't graced the gym with my presence or done something out there and spectacular. However, I have cuddled my 4 week old nephew and he has been sick and pooped on me countless times. I'm starting to get used to his tiny hands and eyes and how his body feels so delicate to me. His little lungs and heart beating twice as fast as ours. I am so proud of my sister and I am so proud of her little man :)
Anyway, what is this? Baby corner?
So, this has been the first year that I haven't gone back to school after the holidays and even though my sleep schedule is as messed up as a child star hitting puberty, it feels... odd somehow.
School never really changed as I grew up. Friends, subjects and uniforms changed but school as an institution never did. I still answered back to teachers who still didn't believe in me; I still got called my sisters name by the ancient religious studies teacher; I still had to keep dropping hints because the guy I liked still didn't know I had been flirting; and I still had to stand up for myself.
But now I've left, it feels like everything has changed and is changing extremely fast. I have nothing to fight against or be stressed about and yet that is what's putting me out of sorts. It's like I need to people to tell me I can't do it so I can prove them wrong.
*sigh* What a sick prank to pull on a gal!
I can't go to the gym tomorrow because... of a list or reasons, valid ones I might add, which means that it will have to be Thursday.
Yes, Thursday sounds a good day for something new.
Today wan't totally wasted though, my order came so my new coat, shoes and scarf are now draping luxuriously over my bedroom floor, man I love sales!

So after the get go and gumption (love that word) of yesterday, today didn't go particularly as planned. Firstly, my sleep pattern of staying up until 2am watching YouTube and listening to acoustic covers of pop songs; falling asleep and then waking up at 1pm is not doing me any favours. I am missing meals which is unheard of and I haven't actually walked to the gym yet...
I think I'm just anxious of all the work out stereotypes that there are in the gym. You know the ones: The ripped men whose muscles impair them from doing almost anything except lifting weights and drinking protein shakes; the toned women who look like they were born running and who never, ever break a sweat; the feisty ones who grunt and scream their way through pull ups as is they are about to give birth; and I suppose I'm worried about all those looks, the pitying or smug looks which say 'you really don't belong here'.
Nevertheless, I will persevere. Maybe... no definitely tomorrow! I will go tomorrow. I'm not sure what I will do though. It's a bit like a playground where you want to play on everything but you just know if you go on the monkey bars it will end in tears.
My new adult perspective isn't going that well either. I am sat in a huskie onesie with dripping wet hair from the shower and a half eaten box of chocolates to my left and a plushie to my right. Ah well, Bridget jones did it, didn't she? and although she may be fictional I can use that as a yard stick.
There is no greater adventure than life, after all, so as long as I'm still breathing it is still achievable (I hope).

So, here goes my first attempt at a blog. I guess it's like a diary mixed with twitter, instagram and youtube. This is the first page of my 2015 story...
That sounds so cheesy that I think I should just stop there but, as no one will be reading this but me, I think it can stay. So. New Years Eve. That was a night to remember and one I want to forget in equal measure. I think you could probably guess that I met a 'guy' who seemed romantic and gentlemanly but who was actually more interested in putting his tongue down my throat and never speaking to me again, than ballroom dancing.
I'm sure everyone's been there at some point in their life. Let down by someone who was an unexpected moment; so I'm not here to pour out my heart. I'm here to document this year, 2015, (or as I have haply named it 'My year')! This is my first real time to myself.
After going through the factory that is 7 years of primary and 7 years of secondary school, I went on a 'holiday' with my 'friends'. I say holiday, it was a trek around Europe, every night a new city, I think I would rather listen to Justin Bieber on repeat from sun rise to sun set than go on that night train again. *shudder* . I then left my 'friends' a week earlier and flew back to good ol' Blighty and never spoke to them again. Afterwards, I got my Alevel grades and threw myself into work. I had two jobs in 5 months and applied for Uni somewhere in the midst of it all and by some miracle got a place. 2014 wasn't kind to me. I got knocked down by a car, suffered with crippling anxiety and PTSD, lost almost all my school friends and lost myself along the way but I somehow still fought on.
So, until I go to uni I am at home with no job, but a lot of determination. I have just under 9 months to find myself or as I like to call it: Do something!
I am going to try all the typical new years things like:
Join a gym
Do yoga
Eat vegetables?
Or something like that. I'm not really sure to be honest but I'm going to find out. No more self doubt, no more self loathing. I am going to be unapologetically me; the kind, compassionate, self confident, crazy, spontaneous, generous, intelligent, loud, pink haired ( and a little arrogant) me.
In the words of a magical movie 'Adventure is out there', I just need to find it.