The best decision I ever made

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I feel like every time I sit down to write on this blog, I am usually talking about changes in my life. I suppose life is mainly changes, from growing up to thinking differently about issues and gaining some much needed perspective, but I feel like my life is never stable or stays the same for very long. In the past this has both scared and excited me at the same time. This change is no different.



 Here is my testimony:
I thought I was self sufficient, I had everything in my life under control... everything except my heart. I would risk all my happiness and stability for a guy who didn't even want me in the long term. I always wanted a quick fix, always the next crush. I told myself I didn't care that it was always me who did the chasing. That way I could control it. They didn't have any feelings so it would soon be over and I could look for someone else again. But this wasn't healthy. It wasn't what I really needed or what I deserve. I deserve to be loved for who I truly am. That feeling has taken a while to realise and believe and I still have to remind myself, regularly. 
I was raised in a christian household and I used to love Sunday school. I was always asking questions and even when the adults would get frustrated with me, I was still eager to learn more. However, when I joined secondary school I started to see the world and Christianity differently. It wasn't about God's love or Jesus' example, it was about punishment, rules, abandonment, bullies and never feeling good enough. I started distancing myself from Christianity as; if I could never be good enough what was the point in even trying. Dealing with an ill parent and school was hard enough so dropping the whole Christian thing made sense.
Fast forward a few years and my trust in people was almost severed completely. Those closest to me had lied and shown that they didn't care. The ones who were supposed to keep me safe had abused that power. I felt like I spent my whole life crying or being angry about how stupid everything was. There wasn't a plan, or a God. There couldn't be one. He abandoned me and left me in all this pain. I tried to shut off my heart. With every broken relationship and friendship, I was being wounded. My soul was being chipped away and I told myself I didn't care. How could my heart get anymore broken than it already was. I worked on me, living the way I needed to and wanted to. 
When I started Leicester uni, I told myself I'd be someone new. I went along to a CU lunch bar (I am a sucker for free pizza) and I am so thankful that I did. Even though it made me uncomfortable I met some amazing people. (They know who they are!) These women have made my life a million times better and it all started the moment they invited me ti a student gathering. 

 Though I was quote "scared of churches" I forced myself to go and that was the moment my heart started to soften. Picture this, me full on snotty crying in a tiny loo with my student worker praying for me and telling me it was ok. That was pretty much how my first Christian event went. Yes it was a bit of a mess, but it was the first time I had ever felt God's love in years. Love from a stranger who didn't care what I'd done or what I looked like, only that I was there.
After Christmas, I felt something in me had changed. I had allowed myself to feel the emptiness and loneliness in my life and it scared me so much that I'd convinced myself a night out would fix me... News Flash: It didn't! I ended up crying over chips at 3am feeling like I was that little girl that never felt good enough, all over again. This time though I prayed. I prayed straight from my heart; I full on cried out to God. I knew that He hadn't abandoned me, I'd ran away from Him. The HTL weekend away reaffirmed everything I'd been thinking and feeling. I felt like I wanted to live another way, His way. I could feel God saying that He never left me and will never leave me. He was always holding my hand and caring about me when it felt that noone was. Through it all He had blessed me so much, with beautiful nieces and nephew, recovering from ME, closer than ever family relationships and the strength to keep going. I never thanked Him for all the good in my life, just blamed Him for the bad. Then it hit me; God's love was what I was searching for.

 Giving my life to God has given me an abundance of joy that I'd never experienced before. It's kind of crazy how even in the darkest times I just know that God is there, holding my hand every step of the way. The love and joy and trust and friendship I have gained through Him is beyond words and I praise God everyday for these amazing gifts. I now know just how much I am loved and I am royalty in the house of God. 
I pray that I will always have eyes that shine light and see the good in people, a heart that forgives the worst, a mind that forgets the bad and a soul that never loses faith in God. 
Take care
x


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About Me

"For God so loved the world that he gave his only son, that whosoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life" Hi! I'm a 21 year old student, and this blog is here to document my thoughts, feelings and events that happen in my life. I hope you'll enjoy reading them and get some comfort from knowing that you're not alone. So sit back, grab a cup of decaf tea and join me on this journey we call life.

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