I did it!

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I PASSED!!

 What a feeling. All this week I have felt like I was walking on clouds. I have achieved something most adults do and have passed through the veil into the land of responsibility and it feels amazing. I'm sure when the reality of buying a car and insurance and road tax sinks in I won't feel like this but until then I will soak it all up.
I suppose this is such a monumental occasion in my life because I have struggled so much with being confident in my own abilities that when I achieve a goal that I've set myself I am overwhelmed. When taking my A-level exams i was struggling with PTSD and family moving out and all other anxieties a teenager goes through. I never felt good enough but I knew I was going to fight tooth and nail to prove to myself and everyone else that I was stronger than that. Therefore when I got my results I burst into tears and couldn't stop gushing for ages, I am sure my family got fed up with me. It took me a few months to realise it was over. I din't have to fight anymore, there was nothing i had to prove. I had won.
Then after my mixed summer, I had lost a lot of stability and many constants in my life had crumbled or exploded into nothing and I got hit with some emotional shrapnel. I was terrified of driving again and it took a lot of convincing and patients to keep me going. I never gave up; I knew my family and my driving instructor believed in me and eventually I did. 

 My test was the most nervous I think I've ever been. I felt sick, I couldn't eat or sleep the night before. I kept going over all the maneuvers and gear changes in my head. When they called my name and asked me to sign the test sheet my hand was shaking so much that I had to use my other hand to steady myself. Once I got in the car I chatted so much its a wonder I didn't lose my voice. I talk a lot when I'm nervous, it seems to calm me down somehow, and he was very good at obliging me with small talk. I thought i'd failed from the start as I had to reverse to allow a lorry to turn down the road! Apparently though that meant I drove better and once I completed the bay park (perfectly might I add :P )  the silence seemed unbearable. He was adding up, writing something unintelligible and it just seemed to stretch on forever. I thought I had to cough or something because al I could hear in my own skull was 'you've failed, he's going to say you've failed and thats going to be ok'. Even after everything I still had no confidence in my own ability, and I stopped myself just when I heard 'Well, you've passed...' My whole body collapsed and my head hit the horn which jolted me back up and I breathed out the breath I was holding and just said 'Thank god!'. I knew I still had to listen to him but my mind was buzzing and I could feel tears of joy building up. I got out of the car once everything was done and jumped up and down and hugged my instructor and restrained myself from running home. The drive home was very surreal and I felt myself being very torn. Yes I was ecstatic that i did it, first time and I could drive, but the man that had helped me get there with his sarcastic jokes and sincere encouragement was not going to be there anymore. I would have to say goodbye to my driving instructor, without whom I wouldn't have done it, and it hurt. I didn't want to. He hadn't let me down, he had helped me so much. I was going to miss someone so kind, patient and telling me that I was good enough. Maybe that's a selfish thing to say but I do miss him. So this post is dedicated to Phil. Probably the best driving instructor I've ever had and I wish him the best for the rest of his life, because he deserves it. :) 


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About Me

"For God so loved the world that he gave his only son, that whosoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life" Hi! I'm a 21 year old student, and this blog is here to document my thoughts, feelings and events that happen in my life. I hope you'll enjoy reading them and get some comfort from knowing that you're not alone. So sit back, grab a cup of decaf tea and join me on this journey we call life.

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