The Way The Cookie Crumbles: 2016

Here we are again, the new year is just beginning and this is when I reflect on this past year and look forward to the next 12 months. This year has been full of reflections though. I feel with every blog post I have tried to be self reflecting and used looking back as a way to look forward and see how far I've come.

Whilst the dew descends on the earth in the early morning, and the sun breaks through the clouds, I can smell the seasons change from Summer to Autumn. I feel the sun warm my cheeks as the wind whips around my face and I smile into the showers. This is my season and what a glorious season it is!

Ding! Ding! Round 2
Deep breath as I walk up to the entrance. Breathe. It'll be okay. It's not the same place. They're not the same people. Breathe, just breathe.
This was running round my head like a lopsided puppy with a chew toy, which she didn't really know why she was carrying, but she sure wasn't letting go.

It's arrived. One email dings into my inbox, the induction timetable, online registration and enrollment information all flood my vision and I start to panic.
Is this what I want? It's all happening again! So I shut it down and breathe.
It is 4 days until I start my new university course and I am having mixed thoughts, so I thought I'd share them in case other people are in a similar boat.

So the time has come for me to move to my University city, again. My last post about this time last year was a little bit somber and fearful because I felt absolutely terrified about moving out. I didn't want to leave my family, especially my newly born nephew, I'd just been diagnosed with CFS and it was incredibly stressful as my sister was getting married at the same time. This time around though, I feel very differently.
I am obviously still nervous about starting my course and the challenges I'll face with studying whilst managing my condition, however, I am not home sick or scared. I was far more relaxed moving into my new place than I ever was moving into halls in Birmingham. I didn't cry when my parents left, actually I haven't cried at all! Which is amazing as I didn't last two days in halls without having a major cry and wanting to come home. But now, I'm cooking food for myself, shopping, taking the bins out; chatting to reception; sorting out issues; emailing everyone and I feel okay. I actually feel good!
Living by myself in a studio flat has really helped my situation and confidence. I can set my own routine and cook whenever I want to. It is far more money and I'm basically bankrupt but I can just spend time listening to music and eating carrots and I don't have to talk to or answer to anyone. Now I am still calling my family and friends but not everyday or for hours at a time. I am in control of my life and I don't need to go home.
This might change when I start the course and everything gets a bit more hectic but I honestly think not having 7 other students around constantly really helps my frame of mind. I'm not trying to please anyone but me; I don't have to impress or be chatty when I'm trying to conserve my energy or explain my condition a million times so that they might actually listen and turn off the music early. I also do not miss pre-drinks and people coming in after a night out, and not having to clear up horrific messes in the morning is pure paradise!

So, I have moved and I am still nostalgic about no longer being a teenager and becoming my own person. I still miss the hustle and bustle of home life, my family and the town I grew up in, but I don't feel regretful. I'm ready to move on to the next stage, after all
"There is always fear at a new start,
But if you don't start a new chapter,
you'll never finish the story."

Take care

If you've never been to university or had any dealings with Student Finance England (SFE) I am green with envy at your blissful ignorance. They are an ordeal to say the least. I used to think that all you have to do is apply for finance and then go to uni and that's that, right?

Many people reading this have probably been in some sort of limbo where you're waiting for something to happen. It could be a new job, moving place or an appointment, whatever it is there is always a point where you have done most of the prep work and can't put your anxiety into being busy sorting it out.

At the risk of repeating myself, how is it May already?!

I am almost constantly switching between 'I want it to be august' and 'Why is this year going so quickly?' and I feel like a middle aged mother whose children are growing up too fast. If I ever say 'it feels like yesterday when I was changing nappies' then you have full permission to wrap me in a blanket and leave me on the doorstep of a retirement home.

Last month was pretty brilliant for 2016, I got to see some great friends and I felt the best I'd felt in a long time. I was cooking more and eating healthier, as well as doing more in a day. I write everything that I do in the day on my calendar so I don't forget it and when I feel like I've done nothing and wasted a month, it's nice to go back and see. I did some life admin and feel much more prepared now, although there's still so much to do before September.

I think that's the problem though, there is always more to do; more forms to fill out; more emails to write and so on until a whole year has gone past and you're trying to remember what you were doing. Therefore, it is so important to write down the times you went shopping for fun or went for a walk through a nature reserve or caught coffee with someone because those moments matter at the end much more than the time you wrote an email. I'm not saying that you shouldn't do the life admin things but write the positives down so you don't feel like you're wasting life, because you're probably not.

Anyway this is just a quick one as I've not got much concentration today.

Take care

Recently, I started Graded Exercise Therapy which is a programme aimed at helping people with CFS/ME to manage their energy levels and stop the destructive boom/bust cycles. I have been instructed to take 3x15minutes rests a day and only do 5 minutes of physical activity for 3 weeks and then I can gradually increase it. At the start it was really hard to get into a routine but now (on week 10) it's easier. I'm rating my energy levels throughout the day and taking the average to put into a graph of recovery. It's basically just to keep me focused on the improvements I'm making and showing me how far I've come. People who are suffering with any long term illness will know that you tend to forget your worst points and how 'normal' health feels.
I've been stable energy wise for a month now so I am trying to increase my overall energy by diet, a sleep regime and several other small things which help cumulatively.

Diet

I am currently on a vegan, sugar free, gluten free diet where by I eat mostly vegetables, fruit, gluten and dairy free pasta, rice, bulgar wheat and beans and pulses. Cutting out gluten has helped my IBS symptoms greatly and cutting out stimulants such as caffeine, refined sugar and alcohol have helped me not have energy spikes and crashes. I've only been on this diet for just 2 weeks now but I'm persevering with it as I feel better in myself and not binging on carbs or chocolate when I'm feeling low really helps my mental well being. I will do an update on this in a couple of months when I've gotten used to it.

Sleep

I used to think that as long as I was getting sleep that was good enough but by trying to have a regular routine around sleep it has helped me have more refreshing sleep and I wake up feeling not as groggy. I aim for having an hour before bed (8-9pm) without looking at any screens, no phone, laptop or tv for an hour before sleep helps shut off your brain and stops that wired feeling. So I listen to the radio, brush my teeth, wash my face and sometimes have a bath whilst winding down for sleep. I take melatonin at the moment to help me feel sleepy so I take it half way through this hour (8:30pm). I know that's super early for most people but I've found that getting an early night and waking up at 8am is a really good routine for me. I would try to at least be in bed by 10pm if I've had to be up at night. I also have a meditation podcast for the last half hour in bed which gives my mind something to focus on when I'm falling asleep. Like I said though, this is only from my personal experience but it's been the best thing to change and has given me the best results in terms of energy levels.

Other

The other little changes I've done are: not looking at screens as much as I find my brain starts to go on overdrive when I'm on my computer all day; Not watching intense films, tv or playing intense video games as the exhaust me; Not pushing myself to do the excersize if my body just cannot cope; Not socializing as much as that takes alot of my energy and brain power which could be better used helping me recover. Also, remembering that I wouldn't use my phone when it was only on 5% battery so why am I trying to use my body and mind when its energy has been depleated. It's so difficult to wait until your 'battery' is at least 90% full but it is something I know I will be so proud I did when I recover fully.

I hope this helps some people out there.

Take care

Here are some thought's I've had whilst looking back on my 20 years of life.

1. I love food! All types, cuisines and flavours. Food is amazing and I love it.
2. I can cook, pretty well. I mean I'm no Delia Smith, but I can follow a recipe without being too flustered and make up some dishes off the top of my own head too.
3. I have more determination than I would have ever thought possible and I can weather most storms.
4. My family mean a heck of a lot to me and no matter how disjointed or frustrating they might get, I wouldn't change them for the world.
5. Friends are people who care and take time for me too, it's a two way street and you can't look after everyone.
6. Don't spend time and energy on people who I instantly dislike and distrust. I can live my life without them and they can live theirs. I don't need people like that.
7. I am amazing under pressure! I always thought I'd be the kind of person who would breakdown at the slightest notion of things falling apart but actually I'm sort of a boss at getting things done when it really counts.
8. Don't go on a trip abroad without having a solid plan of things I actually want to do.
9. I don't have to wear makeup all the time, literally noone cares. Also, bobby pins go in flat side up.
10. Social media is a brilliant way of connecting with people and having fun.
11. I don't need social media on all the time, some moments don't need a selfie or hashtag and are better as moments.
12. I can change a nappy, feed a baby, clean up baby sick (without gagging), rock them to sleep and not be mad when said baby wakes up early.
13. I love my nephew and niece so much. They are incredible and my sister and brother in law are amazing for looking after them. Sometimes it's hard when I can't see them or play with them as much but I will always be there for them if they need me.
14. It's ok to live life not according to plan. Everyone goes off the path sometimes and it can lead to a happier and more fulfilled one even if you can't see it straight away.
15. Don't force yourself to be 'normal', I am me and will always be. I cannot do something my body can't and I don't need to do what everyone else is doing if it means being miserable.
16. Sometimes I will do things I don't want to or have jobs I hate and that's ok. This will not be forever.
17. My CFS/ME is manageable, I just needed a lot of time, practice and someone to take a chance on me.
18. I am capable of patience. Not everything will be done right now and I can accept that, it gives you time to enjoy rather than stressing about it.
19. Barriers are not put in front of me without some way of going forward being there also. There is always a way to move onwards and upwards, I just have to trust it.
20. People will always have an opinion and 'advice'. You do not have to take it all to heart, just listen until they have finished and let it glide off you like rain.

Take care

I have been ridiculously busy (for me) this month and it's just the start of my birthday week! Most of my time has been taken up with looking and applying for student accommodation.

I have firmly accepted an unconditional offer to study Media and Communications at Leicester University and this time I'm going to be fully prepared before starting. I've done halls, sharing a cramped kitchen with 6 other people, where the walls are thin and rooms are cold and there isn't a work service that's not splattered in the remains of a pasta experiment abomination. It wasn't the best, putting it lightly. I mean the people were great, honestly amazing, lovely, vibrant people who had good hearts but not necessarily good cleaning or cooking skills. So now I get the luxury of choosing a better place for me in advance.

I decided a studio flat would be the best option mostly because a one bed flat would leave me eating lettuce leaves and scraps from dumpsters in order to pay for it, so the cheaper alternative (although it's still expensive) is a studio flat.

Firstly, it makes me feel like an adult as I have a contract and lease and everything. Also I can pretend I'm living in a movie where everything happens in one room, like 'the room'...actually scratch that.

Secondly, I can cook whatever, whenever I like. I can have a stew, pasta bake, rissoto and microwave meal all on the go at once if it so pleases me. The smell might make me hungry at 2am but at least I won't have to share my cheesy carb fest with drunk students.

Thirdly, I can basically make breakfast and a cup of tea in bed whilst watching repeats on dave. I don't need hover boards, I'm already living in the future.

Lastly, I can put the heating on as much as I want! No more freezing with the duvet wrapped around me at 4pm on a wednesday. I will basically have control of the elements. And by that I mean the heating elements in my radiator.

I know that studio flats aren't available or the best for everyone and I think halls are brilliant for people who want to make friends quickly and haven't been away from home before. The chats over tea the morning after are reassuring but I've got to be honest, it's nice to rest easy knowing no-one will ever steal my precious nutella.

Take care

So recently my little baby niece was born on the 1st of February 2016! She's adorable and my sister did so well. Like when my nephew was born it was almost a week of labour pains and anxiously waiting for something to happen. In that week I helped look after my 14 month old nephew and honestly has put me off having a child. Waking up every 2-5 hours to a crying toddler/baby that just wants to be held or changed or fed and trying to negotiate bedrooms and nappies when you're half asleep isn't really my cup of tea. It's not peaceful or adorable, it's hard work and you end up surrendering your bed to a baby who takes pleasure in rolling on top of you, pooping and then rolling off and I swear he looked pleased with himself!
Now don't get me wrong I love those two to pieces. I never knew how much love I was capable of until they were born and I would take down an entire star fleet to protect them. They are so cute and now my little nephew can laugh, smile and walk I am enjoying playing with him and goofing around. It is especially fun to pull faces and distract him when he's supposed to be eating his veg. They say I'm great with babies and toddlers...call it auntie privilege. However, I personally wouldn't like my own. I feel like maybe in 10 years I'll think differently but I highly doubt it.
Firstly, medically it wouldn't be very healthy for me to be pregnant and care for a baby with my severity of ME on my own, i'm not saying its impossible but it might take me back to square one.
Secondly, I value my independence way more than carrying on my genes. Having a little human depending on me for everything sounds horrific and I am far too selfish to do that. I love my own life where I can spend money I earn on things for me, not nappies and formula and bottles and kids clothes.
And lastly, staying at home whilst my belly gets bigger and bigger and the baby grows inside me like a strange parasitic alien is as far away from my dream life as is humanly possible. I have been around pregnant ladies, of all ages, enough to know that it is like a disease where at the end after hours and hours of pain and sweating they hand you a screaming baby who only knows how to eat and poop and expect you to be responsible for its everything for the rest of your life. I mean they don't even know how to burp or smile for a couple of months! Yes, I think my nephew and niece are cute but other children still freak me out and are just plain ugly sometimes.
So no, babies aren't for me I won't judge you if you have miniature humans, go forth an procreate, but when you're scream laughing hysterically because you just mistook mayonnaise for sudocreme and you haven't had a full nights sleep in 2 years, I'll look after them for £7 an hour.

Take care

Love yourself and remember that you are enough; when you're anxious, when you're upset, when you're frustrated. Repeat it over and over again until you mute out the rest of the world and clear your mind of negativity.
Speak with a kind tongue and show kindness to those you meet, be that person you needed.
Spend some time on yourself. Take a bubble bath, play the music you love and sing along. the world will still be there when you are finished looking after yourself.
Breathe. The planet keeps revolving even if you don't meet that deadline or go to that appointment now or have heard back from that place in time. So please remember to breathe.
Be courageous and keep going. The road you are on is rocky and uneven but don't give up. Use every rejection and put down to grow as a person and fight harder. Become stronger than you ever thought you could be and you will always find a way to continue on.
Surround yourself with beautiful things, photographs that make you feel something, words that resonate within you, add them to your journal and look at it often.
You don't need a reason for doing everything in your life and you don't need to explain yourself to anyone, especially those who bring you down. Do it because you want to.
You're only human. You're just one person. You don't have to make everyone happy or like you or stop wars or end discrimination and that's okay.
"Only bitter men harbor spiteful feelings against ordinary people for not being heroes"
And most importantly... don't ever feel like you're not god enough. You are smart, creative, strong and your soul is the whole world.

Take care

Last year I had very unrealistic resolutions that I couldn't keep, mainly because I overestimated how well I was. So now I have some goals for this coming year that are much kinder and more achievable (hopefully).

As the christmas trees get taken down and tinsel from frames is collected again; ready to shove in boxes in the attic to be forgotten for another year, I want to look back on 2015 and some goals I have for 2016.

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