The Way The Cookie Crumbles

Ok so yeah, maybe I was a tad optimistic that I would do a daily blog but I will perceiver. I know I've missed a couple of days but weekly is much more my style. Bridesmaid shopping was ok, tiring and disappointing but not the worst shopping experience I've ever had. Trying on dresses that were way too big for me gave me a small sense of smugness but they were all horrid so that was a downer.
I'm looking forward to the applicant day at Birmingham this week as it will be the first time I actually see the place I will be spending 3 and a bit years of my life.

It was another tiring day today, as in I was tired and I watched an emotional and highly tense episode of foyles war. I caught up with a friend today and I think we've managed to put the jealousy thing behind us, not least because she seems to be making more mistakes than me. But that's life isn't it so technically I should be annoyed that she's living more than me. My nail extension has just flung off, not the whole nail because I could cope with that, juts the colour gel on top. So i'm left with an emaciated acrylic tip which looks like my skin has grown around my nail....so weird and gross.
Will have to sort that out tomorrow. Did some actual exercise today in the form of a work out dvd and felt really hungry afterwards so idk if it helped.
I don't know when it happened but I have become obsessed with pop culture quiz shows. Never mind the buzzcocks, Was it something I said, the big fat quiz and QI have now taken over my life and I just find them so funny and interesting to watch. I also have taken a shine to Richard something who was on the IT crowd and is a hilarious comedian!
Ah well, should sleep now.
Talk soon

A poem by Emma Cook

Lady on the bus accusing me of being rude,
how you would cringe if you only knew,
How you would squirm and squeal,
If you heard what I will reveal.

That tap on my shoulder, to you, meant nothing,
an action for attention, a subtle attempt,
harsher than "excuse me" but taking as much courage.

However,

To me, that tap brought it all back.
the Teasing, the Names, the Hate.
Terror fills me again.
Not wanting to turn round but knowing what the consequence would be.
The escalated violence, impatient shouting and
Me, burrowing into myself.
My exterior like a shell, my face a mask
Impenetrable fortress.

Or so it seems.

Little did you know the thoughts inside which never surfaced,
The haunting Nightmares.
Even though you had nothing worth hearing
I heard every word
every syllable
every sound.

So I almost forgot about doing a blog post. Nothing really happened today.
I did my washing, day dreamed about what it would feel like to win an Oscar whilst all my ex friends and ex boyfriends watched on tv... (it would feel amazing!) and just was on the ASOS sale all day.
I love looking at clothes on websites, I might not buy any because lets face it, I don't have a job or any disposable income but I love the cuts, colours and styles. I love filling up a basket with outfit ideas from the clothes right down to the accessories! I honestly love clothes and fashion and especially my fashion. Yeah, it might be more who's wood? than Westwood but choosing what to wear every day or what to wear when I go out (on the odd occasion)  is such a huge part of me.
That's why this week has been weird for me and I've felt out of sorts. I've basically been wearing pjs, a huskie onesie or just jeans and stupidly old tops that are so baggy and misshapen they are more like blankets with sleeves.
So maybe that can be something I do to get me up and doing something every day. An outfit of the day! I know beauty bloggers have been doing this for, like ever. But why does it have to be just for them. I know my haute couture from my high street and if there's anything textiles Alevel has taught me, its that fashion is for everyone, it's just about learning what suits you.
I've also been working on a poem so I might post that too... who knows what the future will bring...

No, I haven't been to the all consuming and illusive gym but I have been to baby clinic.
Yes, I know its not the same thing at all but it was a new experience.
I started the day early and went over to my sister's to help out with the baby. I'm really pleased that we're spending more time together and she's teaching me how to look after the baby. You never know when that'll come in handy!
So, we made a delicious lasagne together, if I may say so myself, and I went to baby clinic...
Baby clinic is a trial by fire for new parents. Once you set foot in the waiting room you are instantly scrutinized as other mothers look you and then your baby, up and down. Then the judgement, either a pity smile or a flick of hair as they gaze back at their precious baby (who is invariably screaming their little lungs out). Then the wait... ten minutes in and "Bull" the name which jolts us out of our awkward complacency and then the weighing takes five minutes, you leave almost immediately and the whole ordeal is over.
It was a real eye opener, and I do feel honoured for being asked to go.
So after eating a quarter of a lasagne and half a baguette of garlic bread, I'm drinking cider and feel like I could drop any second. It's good to feel tired again. It makes me feel like I have actually done something today.
Tomorrow I will go to the gym as they say absence makes the heart grow fonder.

I will admit, my new years revamp isn't going excactly to plan. I haven't graced the gym with my presence or done something out there and spectacular. However, I have cuddled my 4 week old nephew and he has been sick and pooped on me countless times. I'm starting to get used to his tiny hands and eyes and how his body feels so delicate to me. His little lungs and heart beating twice as fast as ours. I am so proud of my sister and I am so proud of her little man :)
Anyway, what is this? Baby corner?
So, this has been the first year that I haven't gone back to school after the holidays and even though my sleep schedule is as messed up as a child star hitting puberty, it feels... odd somehow.
School never really changed as I grew up. Friends, subjects and uniforms changed but school as an institution never did. I still answered back to teachers who still didn't believe in me; I still got called my sisters name by the ancient religious studies teacher; I still had to keep dropping hints because the guy I liked still didn't know I had been flirting; and I still had to stand up for myself.
But now I've left, it feels like everything has changed and is changing extremely fast. I have nothing to fight against or be stressed about and yet that is what's putting me out of sorts. It's like I need to people to tell me I can't do it so I can prove them wrong.
*sigh* What a sick prank to pull on a gal!
I can't go to the gym tomorrow because... of a list or reasons, valid ones I might add, which means that it will have to be Thursday.
Yes, Thursday sounds a good day for something new.
Today wan't totally wasted though, my order came so my new coat, shoes and scarf are now draping luxuriously over my bedroom floor, man I love sales!

So after the get go and gumption (love that word) of yesterday, today didn't go particularly as planned. Firstly, my sleep pattern of staying up until 2am watching YouTube and listening to acoustic covers of pop songs; falling asleep and then waking up at 1pm is not doing me any favours. I am missing meals which is unheard of and I haven't actually walked to the gym yet...
I think I'm just anxious of all the work out stereotypes that there are in the gym. You know the ones: The ripped men whose muscles impair them from doing almost anything except lifting weights and drinking protein shakes; the toned women who look like they were born running and who never, ever break a sweat; the feisty ones who grunt and scream their way through pull ups as is they are about to give birth; and I suppose I'm worried about all those looks, the pitying or smug looks which say 'you really don't belong here'.
Nevertheless, I will persevere. Maybe... no definitely tomorrow! I will go tomorrow. I'm not sure what I will do though. It's a bit like a playground where you want to play on everything but you just know if you go on the monkey bars it will end in tears.
My new adult perspective isn't going that well either. I am sat in a huskie onesie with dripping wet hair from the shower and a half eaten box of chocolates to my left and a plushie to my right. Ah well, Bridget jones did it, didn't she? and although she may be fictional I can use that as a yard stick.
There is no greater adventure than life, after all, so as long as I'm still breathing it is still achievable (I hope).

So, here goes my first attempt at a blog. I guess it's like a diary mixed with twitter, instagram and youtube. This is the first page of my 2015 story...
That sounds so cheesy that I think I should just stop there but, as no one will be reading this but me, I think it can stay. So. New Years Eve. That was a night to remember and one I want to forget in equal measure. I think you could probably guess that I met a 'guy' who seemed romantic and gentlemanly but who was actually more interested in putting his tongue down my throat and never speaking to me again, than ballroom dancing.
I'm sure everyone's been there at some point in their life. Let down by someone who was an unexpected moment; so I'm not here to pour out my heart. I'm here to document this year, 2015, (or as I have haply named it 'My year')! This is my first real time to myself.
After going through the factory that is 7 years of primary and 7 years of secondary school, I went on a 'holiday' with my 'friends'. I say holiday, it was a trek around Europe, every night a new city, I think I would rather listen to Justin Bieber on repeat from sun rise to sun set than go on that night train again. *shudder* . I then left my 'friends' a week earlier and flew back to good ol' Blighty and never spoke to them again. Afterwards, I got my Alevel grades and threw myself into work. I had two jobs in 5 months and applied for Uni somewhere in the midst of it all and by some miracle got a place. 2014 wasn't kind to me. I got knocked down by a car, suffered with crippling anxiety and PTSD, lost almost all my school friends and lost myself along the way but I somehow still fought on.
So, until I go to uni I am at home with no job, but a lot of determination. I have just under 9 months to find myself or as I like to call it: Do something!
I am going to try all the typical new years things like:
Join a gym
Do yoga
Eat vegetables?
Or something like that. I'm not really sure to be honest but I'm going to find out. No more self doubt, no more self loathing. I am going to be unapologetically me; the kind, compassionate, self confident, crazy, spontaneous, generous, intelligent, loud, pink haired ( and a little arrogant) me.
In the words of a magical movie 'Adventure is out there', I just need to find it.