Learning to walk again

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Hey so I wanted to talk about this for a while now. I feel like I don’t mention it as much as I used to but I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome or CFS otherwise known as ME. Because of this illness it caused me to lose most of my memories, both short and long term, my strength, my personality and eventually my ability to walk. It was rough. 
I only mention this because I think it’s a great metaphor for faith and walking with God. Everyone who has this illness is different, no one knows why it happens to some people and not others, no one knows what really causes it. It could literally be from having a virus like Glandgelar fever or like in my case from a traumatic event. Regardless of the cause it starts small with fatigue. You can’t do certain tasks anymore, you can’t think straight, you feel the need to sleep but it’s never restful and never fixes anything. Things then get steadily worse as the illness progresses. When I couldn’t walk anymore that was the lowest I think I’ve ever felt. It was like someone had taken every last part of me and my usefulness and I had nothing left. I know that being able to walk is a gift that most able bodied people take for granted, and when you don’t have it anymore its just awful. That’s what it was like when I walked away from God. I felt the connection break, the closeness drift. I felt like I couldn’t pray or read scripture or go to church, it got to the point where I couldn’t physically go into a church without feeling intense anxiety. Eventually through the love and dedication of some great Christian friends at the start of uni, I gave my life to God. Since then it’s been a roller-coaster of emotions and trusting God to lead my life was the best decision I have ever made. 

Learning to walk again is still probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Putting one foot in front of the other and keeping my strength and balance is super hard if you have to learn from scratch. I felt like a child, like a toddler, wobbling, falling, crying. I had to be disciplined to keep my difficult diet and not eat anything that would harm my chances of getting better. I had to trust my Ocupational Therapist and myself as to what was best for my recovery. I had to build a firm foundation and work upon that, not go too far too quickly and end up back at square one. I had to choose who I surrounded myself with wisely. It was hard to leave certain people behind but if they were only pouring negativity and toxic thoughts into my mind I knew it was time to let them go. Most importantly, I had to believe that I would get to that place of recovery. I had to have faith that one day I would have the strength and energy to play with my nephew without collapsing. This isn’t just positive thoughts but actually, whole hearted faith that I WOULD get there. I visualised the end goal and I knew every sacrifice along the way was worth it.
None of this was easy. I am talking from a retrospective view but it took a long time to achieve, and I still have hard days now, but it was more than worth it. Learning to walk with God again can be very difficult as well. We have to be disciplined Hebrews 12 “No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.
Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. “Make level paths for your feet,” so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.”
You have to be disciplined to keep the relationship with Jesus going and read that bible even when your head is foggy or you have no idea how this relates to anything in your life. To be disciplined and stop when you feel temptation take hold. I wasn’t allowed to eat meat, dairy, bread, sugar or caffeine for a whole year and sometimes that was easier than saying no to sin.

We are called to trust the Lord our God. Trust has always been difficult for me but faith is about trust. We have to fully believe that He has our best interests at heart and that the people he has placed around us care about us and our relationship with God. “ Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.” Hebrews 10:23 In that same vein we need to have a strong foundation in faith. We have to be wise about our choices, not to go in too deep and then have nothing of substance there when the hard times strike. When it feels as though our world has been toppled we have to build from the ground up, from our solid and deep foundation in Jesus Christ.

Finally, we must fully and with a joyful heart believe that the end goal, the reward of eternal salvation and life in heaven is worth the sacrifices in our earthly lives. Elsewhere in Hebrews, Hebrews 11:6 “because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.” But there are so many examples of this in the bible. Galations 6:9 “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.”; James 1:12 “Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.”; Romans 6:23 “For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.”; 2 Corrinthians 4:17 “For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.” And I could go on and on but we’d be here all day.

Jesus died for us, for you, for me, for all of humanity and surely that is worth not giving in to sin? But do you know what’s even greater than that!! Even when we do stumble or fall like a toddler learning to walk again He picks us up and forgives us completely.  Hebrews 10:17 “Their sins and lawless acts
    I will remember no more.” He completely erases it from his memory. 1 John, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” He doesn’t say some or most he says ALL. Making mistakes is a part of life and learning to walk again. We all fall short of the Glory of God (Romans 3:23). But that doesn’t mean we give up. Everlasting life in relationship with Him in heaven is our greatest goal, our greatest reward.

So in closing I’d just ask that if you are struggling with something in your walk with God, don’t let it consume you. Just know that when you fix your eyes on Jesus, his light will guide your steps. And if you confess your sins, you will be forgiven.

Take care
x


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About Me

"For God so loved the world that he gave his only son, that whosoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life" Hi! I'm a 21 year old student, and this blog is here to document my thoughts, feelings and events that happen in my life. I hope you'll enjoy reading them and get some comfort from knowing that you're not alone. So sit back, grab a cup of decaf tea and join me on this journey we call life.

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