The Way The Cookie Crumbles: October 2017

I feel like every time I sit down to write on this blog, I am usually talking about changes in my life. I suppose life is mainly changes, from growing up to thinking differently about issues and gaining some much needed perspective, but I feel like my life is never stable or stays the same for very long. In the past this has both scared and excited me at the same time. This change is no different.

Hey so I wanted to talk about this for a while now. I feel like I don’t mention it as much as I used to but I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome or CFS otherwise known as ME. Because of this illness it caused me to lose most of my memories, both short and long term, my strength, my personality and eventually my ability to walk. It was rough.
I only mention this because I think it’s a great metaphor for faith and walking with God. Everyone who has this illness is different, no one knows why it happens to some people and not others, no one knows what really causes it. It could literally be from having a virus like Glandgelar fever or like in my case from a traumatic event. Regardless of the cause it starts small with fatigue. You can’t do certain tasks anymore, you can’t think straight, you feel the need to sleep but it’s never restful and never fixes anything. Things then get steadily worse as the illness progresses. When I couldn’t walk anymore that was the lowest I think I’ve ever felt. It was like someone had taken every last part of me and my usefulness and I had nothing left. I know that being able to walk is a gift that most able bodied people take for granted, and when you don’t have it anymore its just awful. That’s what it was like when I walked away from God. I felt the connection break, the closeness drift. I felt like I couldn’t pray or read scripture or go to church, it got to the point where I couldn’t physically go into a church without feeling intense anxiety. Eventually through the love and dedication of some great Christian friends at the start of uni, I gave my life to God. Since then it’s been a roller-coaster of emotions and trusting God to lead my life was the best decision I have ever made.

Learning to walk again is still probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Putting one foot in front of the other and keeping my strength and balance is super hard if you have to learn from scratch. I felt like a child, like a toddler, wobbling, falling, crying. I had to be disciplined to keep my difficult diet and not eat anything that would harm my chances of getting better. I had to trust my Ocupational Therapist and myself as to what was best for my recovery. I had to build a firm foundation and work upon that, not go too far too quickly and end up back at square one. I had to choose who I surrounded myself with wisely. It was hard to leave certain people behind but if they were only pouring negativity and toxic thoughts into my mind I knew it was time to let them go. Most importantly, I had to believe that I would get to that place of recovery. I had to have faith that one day I would have the strength and energy to play with my nephew without collapsing. This isn’t just positive thoughts but actually, whole hearted faith that I WOULD get there. I visualised the end goal and I knew every sacrifice along the way was worth it.

None of this was easy. I am talking from a retrospective view but it took a long time to achieve, and I still have hard days now, but it was more than worth it. Learning to walk with God again can be very difficult as well. We have to be disciplined Hebrews 12 “No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. “Make level paths for your feet,” so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.”

You have to be disciplined to keep the relationship with Jesus going and read that bible even when your head is foggy or you have no idea how this relates to anything in your life. To be disciplined and stop when you feel temptation take hold. I wasn’t allowed to eat meat, dairy, bread, sugar or caffeine for a whole year and sometimes that was easier than saying no to sin.

We are called to trust the Lord our God. Trust has always been difficult for me but faith is about trust. We have to fully believe that He has our best interests at heart and that the people he has placed around us care about us and our relationship with God. “Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.” Hebrews 10:23 In that same vein we need to have a strong foundation in faith. We have to be wise about our choices, not to go in too deep and then have nothing of substance there when the hard times strike. When it feels as though our world has been toppled we have to build from the ground up, from our solid and deep foundation in Jesus Christ.

Finally, we must fully and with a joyful heart believe that the end goal, the reward of eternal salvation and life in heaven is worth the sacrifices in our earthly lives. Elsewhere in Hebrews, Hebrews 11:6 “because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.” But there are so many examples of this in the bible. Galations 6:9 “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.”; James 1:12 “Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.”; Romans 6:23 “For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.”; 2 Corrinthians 4:17 “For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.” And I could go on and on but we’d be here all day.

Jesus died for us, for you, for me, for all of humanity and surely that is worth not giving in to sin? But do you know what’s even greater than that!! Even when we do stumble or fall like a toddler learning to walk again He picks us up and forgives us completely. Hebrews 10:17 “Their sins and lawless acts
I will remember no more.” He completely erases it from his memory. 1 John, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” He doesn’t say some or most he says ALL. Making mistakes is a part of life and learning to walk again. We all fall short of the Glory of God (Romans 3:23). But that doesn’t mean we give up. Everlasting life in relationship with Him in heaven is our greatest goal, our greatest reward.

So in closing I’d just ask that if you are struggling with something in your walk with God, don’t let it consume you. Just know that when you fix your eyes on Jesus, his light will guide your steps. And if you confess your sins, you will be forgiven.

Take care

This is a topic which I often think about as trust has always been (and still continues to be) something I struggle with. Like many people, I have been let down by people who were supposed to look after me and people whom I loved and trusted. Whether it’s someone who you have been close to for years or someone who is in a position of authority over you, being let down is never fun. Over my life I started to get a catchphrase of sorts when this would happen; “Everyone will let you down eventually”. Not the most optimistic motto to carry through your secondary school life. In my head, it helped me to not get hurt. I kept my distance in friendships and relationships which meant that when they eventually broke down or I was let down, I could just cut them out of my life and move on.

Now I know this sounds very cold and calculated but I honestly thought that was the best way to deal with hurt; cut them out and never give them another chance to hurt me. Obviously, this did not stop me being hurt or feeling betrayed by these people but it instead did something more harmful. I kept everything inside, the little shards of my heart still sharp and painful but locked up. People only saw what I wanted them to and bit by bit it was getting less and less of the real me.

What is the point of me telling you this? You may be asking. Well, curious reader, this is to show you that I’ve been there. At that lonely place where you keep everyone at arm’s length, you don’t forgive and you keep saying “everyone lets you down eventually”. Amazingly, there is a better way to deal with the pain.

Firstly, you have to let it go aka give it all to God. Easier said than done, right? All that hurt and anger and betrayal is not good for you. It’s stopping you from fully diving into great friendships and gaining freedom from being vulnerable. Lay it all down. It helps me to just have a proper rant to God. Every little thing that really upset me, from the seemingly small to the enormous, can't-put-it-in-words-without-crying things. Embrace the vulnerable!! When you are ready, share it with others. Choose them and pray about it wisely but once you have opened up to someone the weight starts to lift. Basically, you face your fear of not trusting people head on as being vulnerable with someone is a small step towards acceptance. Speaking things out loud can be really healing when you’ve kept it in for so long. Writing also can help or maybe get creative and sing or draw or paint. As long as you are letting it out and not holding onto it anymore, go for it!

Then *deep breath* forgive yourself for believing or trusting them. Might sound strange that this one is before forgiving the person/people but hear me out. Often when we have been let down, we are upset with the people but also some of that can reaffirm all the insecurities we’ve had before. That we’re stupid, naive, unlovable, unpopular, have poor judgment or can’t ever be happy with someone. THESE ARE LIES!! And can be so ingrained in our mind that we don’t even realise they’re being constantly validated. Every-time, someone cancels plans or forgets our birthday it comes back like an annoying spot that refuses to leave. So, as hard as it is, sit down and imagine the person that you were before you were let down and tell them the truth. That they are not stupid, that they are loved, that they're not to blame and that it’s not their fault that you are hurting now. God was with you then and He is still with you now. He loved you then just as He loves you now.

Forgive the person/people that let you down. I don’t know what happened in your life to make you feel like you can’t trust people but I promise you that you have the power to forgive them. It takes so much strength to forgive someone. Pray about it, imagine them in the place and say it to them. Remember, you have God with you, no one is bigger, stronger or better than Him so even if you feel weak, He will give you strength. To forgive someone fully, it is hard and painful. But the brilliant thing is that have the power to forgive them through God. When you’ve felt out of control of the situation, you have the chance to reclaim that control. Healing and forgiveness means that you won't let what happened to you, affect the rest of your life/friendships/relationships. You have the freedom to break away from that cycle and choose to trust and love others.

Finally, accept the love and freedom that forgiveness and letting go brings. I have to be honest here, this is the one I am still struggling with. Once you have told yourself that you can’t trust anyone or God for years, it is really hard to accept that you can now.
There are people around you who genuinely love and care about you. They want to see you succeed and have fun and walk out in faith. They get excited when you are excited for a new project and stay up talking with you when you just need to talk things through. They are also only human. Just like you are. They might forget something; they might say something; they might cancel plans but they will always love you. Don’t fall into the trap that just because someone missed your coffee catch-up that they don’t care. The people who really care about you will encourage you; hold you accountable; make time and space for you somehow; and will let you be vulnerable without judgment. You can know that you are loved and cared for, but you have to accept it too.

This is a journey (isn’t everything) and so it probably won’t happen overnight but persevere and ask God to show you how much you’re loved and for the holy spirit to fill you with peace and healing. God will never let you down, trust me.

Take care

Recently, I was part of a team which went to Nantes, France as part of Fusion’s Escape and Pray. For those who don’t know what that is, at its basic level you spend 48 hours in a European university city and pray for God’s provision and blessing whilst you’re there. You have no accommodation or plans and only 20 euros. I know, it sounded like a terrifying and exciting adventure to me too! Honestly, up until the actual day of departure I was so scared. This was a big test of faith and our trust was fully rewarded.

The first time I fully felt God providing for us was when we’d hit a bit of a lul and were contemplating getting a room for the night and Rhys got

a message from a pastor whose bible study we’d been invited to that evening. The pastor, Andrew, offered to put us up for two nights in their beautiful home! Overjoyed is underplaying it! We praised God that even when doubt and tiredness filled our minds he was always there quietly making a way for us and protecting us.

That evening’s bible study was a brilliant experience. We got the opportunity to meet so many students and people from Northern Ireland, Nigeria, California, Indonesia, Mexico, France and Chilli! Interestingly enough, their topic was cross-cultural evangelism which was very apt for our trip and gave us some bible verses which I carried with me over the next day and a half. I experienced the peace of the holy spirit so strongly that evening among those inspiring people and I was so grateful for their acceptance. We ended up talking well into the night and I felt honoured to have been there.

On the Tuesday evening, we got the opportunity to visit a house of prayer on the outskirts of Nantes. It was originally a farm but 3 Christian families bought the 3 buildings and they used them as prayer rooms, a food bank and a local produce shop. They also gave their wooden house out for people who needed shelter for the night. There was so much love, prayer and grace in this place that it was hard not to be moved by it. Vincent was overflowing with compassion and humility. We kept saying how amazing what he was doing there was, and he just couldn’t believe what we were doing either! God was using those people as such a force for good and his love was shining out of the people there that it was a blessing to be in their presence.

Personally, as I said before, I was super scared of going on this trip. Mostly, due to my ME condition. I was scared that I’d collapse; that I’d not be able to walk to the places I’d need to go; that I’d not be able to function without as much sleep; that my strength would fail me and I wouldn’t be able to go on as well as lots of other anxieties. I’ve lived with this condition for 3 years but I’ve never done anything like this whilst being ill. But God saw me through. He was faithful to me and gave me strength when I had none. He sustained me so that I could bless the city and talk to the people without my condition limiting me. I prayed to be sustained, to keep going, constantly and he answered that prayer more than I could have ever imagined. Overall, it was such a unique and brilliant experience. To rely fully on God has deepened my foundations in my faith and I feel closer to God than ever before. I pray that this continues in my life back in England, as there are always times when to pray is the most powerful thing you can do.

Take care

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