The Way The Cookie Crumbles

This is a topic which I often think about as trust has always been (and still continues to be) something I struggle with. Like many people, I have been let down by people who were supposed to look after me and people whom I loved and trusted. Whether it’s someone who you have been close to for years or someone who is in a position of authority over you, being let down is never fun. Over my life I started to get a catchphrase of sorts when this would happen; “Everyone will let you down eventually”. Not the most optimistic motto to carry through your secondary school life. In my head, it helped me to not get hurt. I kept my distance in friendships and relationships which meant that when they eventually broke down or I was let down, I could just cut them out of my life and move on.

Now I know this sounds very cold and calculated but I honestly thought that was the best way to deal with hurt; cut them out and never give them another chance to hurt me. Obviously, this did not stop me being hurt or feeling betrayed by these people but it instead did something more harmful. I kept everything inside, the little shards of my heart still sharp and painful but locked up. People only saw what I wanted them to and bit by bit it was getting less and less of the real me.

What is the point of me telling you this? You may be asking. Well, curious reader, this is to show you that I’ve been there. At that lonely place where you keep everyone at arm’s length, you don’t forgive and you keep saying “everyone lets you down eventually”. Amazingly, there is a better way to deal with the pain.

Firstly, you have to let it go aka give it all to God. Easier said than done, right? All that hurt and anger and betrayal is not good for you. It’s stopping you from fully diving into great friendships and gaining freedom from being vulnerable. Lay it all down. It helps me to just have a proper rant to God. Every little thing that really upset me, from the seemingly small to the enormous, can't-put-it-in-words-without-crying things. Embrace the vulnerable!! When you are ready, share it with others. Choose them and pray about it wisely but once you have opened up to someone the weight starts to lift. Basically, you face your fear of not trusting people head on as being vulnerable with someone is a small step towards acceptance. Speaking things out loud can be really healing when you’ve kept it in for so long. Writing also can help or maybe get creative and sing or draw or paint. As long as you are letting it out and not holding onto it anymore, go for it!

Then *deep breath* forgive yourself for believing or trusting them. Might sound strange that this one is before forgiving the person/people but hear me out. Often when we have been let down, we are upset with the people but also some of that can reaffirm all the insecurities we’ve had before. That we’re stupid, naive, unlovable, unpopular, have poor judgment or can’t ever be happy with someone. THESE ARE LIES!! And can be so ingrained in our mind that we don’t even realise they’re being constantly validated. Every-time, someone cancels plans or forgets our birthday it comes back like an annoying spot that refuses to leave. So, as hard as it is, sit down and imagine the person that you were before you were let down and tell them the truth. That they are not stupid, that they are loved, that they're not to blame and that it’s not their fault that you are hurting now. God was with you then and He is still with you now. He loved you then just as He loves you now.

Forgive the person/people that let you down. I don’t know what happened in your life to make you feel like you can’t trust people but I promise you that you have the power to forgive them. It takes so much strength to forgive someone. Pray about it, imagine them in the place and say it to them. Remember, you have God with you, no one is bigger, stronger or better than Him so even if you feel weak, He will give you strength. To forgive someone fully, it is hard and painful. But the brilliant thing is that have the power to forgive them through God. When you’ve felt out of control of the situation, you have the chance to reclaim that control. Healing and forgiveness means that you won't let what happened to you, affect the rest of your life/friendships/relationships. You have the freedom to break away from that cycle and choose to trust and love others.

Finally, accept the love and freedom that forgiveness and letting go brings. I have to be honest here, this is the one I am still struggling with. Once you have told yourself that you can’t trust anyone or God for years, it is really hard to accept that you can now.
There are people around you who genuinely love and care about you. They want to see you succeed and have fun and walk out in faith. They get excited when you are excited for a new project and stay up talking with you when you just need to talk things through. They are also only human. Just like you are. They might forget something; they might say something; they might cancel plans but they will always love you. Don’t fall into the trap that just because someone missed your coffee catch-up that they don’t care. The people who really care about you will encourage you; hold you accountable; make time and space for you somehow; and will let you be vulnerable without judgment. You can know that you are loved and cared for, but you have to accept it too.

This is a journey (isn’t everything) and so it probably won’t happen overnight but persevere and ask God to show you how much you’re loved and for the holy spirit to fill you with peace and healing. God will never let you down, trust me.

Take care

Recently, I was part of a team which went to Nantes, France as part of Fusion’s Escape and Pray. For those who don’t know what that is, at its basic level you spend 48 hours in a European university city and pray for God’s provision and blessing whilst you’re there. You have no accommodation or plans and only 20 euros. I know, it sounded like a terrifying and exciting adventure to me too! Honestly, up until the actual day of departure I was so scared. This was a big test of faith and our trust was fully rewarded.

The first time I fully felt God providing for us was when we’d hit a bit of a lul and were contemplating getting a room for the night and Rhys got

a message from a pastor whose bible study we’d been invited to that evening. The pastor, Andrew, offered to put us up for two nights in their beautiful home! Overjoyed is underplaying it! We praised God that even when doubt and tiredness filled our minds he was always there quietly making a way for us and protecting us.

That evening’s bible study was a brilliant experience. We got the opportunity to meet so many students and people from Northern Ireland, Nigeria, California, Indonesia, Mexico, France and Chilli! Interestingly enough, their topic was cross-cultural evangelism which was very apt for our trip and gave us some bible verses which I carried with me over the next day and a half. I experienced the peace of the holy spirit so strongly that evening among those inspiring people and I was so grateful for their acceptance. We ended up talking well into the night and I felt honoured to have been there.

On the Tuesday evening, we got the opportunity to visit a house of prayer on the outskirts of Nantes. It was originally a farm but 3 Christian families bought the 3 buildings and they used them as prayer rooms, a food bank and a local produce shop. They also gave their wooden house out for people who needed shelter for the night. There was so much love, prayer and grace in this place that it was hard not to be moved by it. Vincent was overflowing with compassion and humility. We kept saying how amazing what he was doing there was, and he just couldn’t believe what we were doing either! God was using those people as such a force for good and his love was shining out of the people there that it was a blessing to be in their presence.

Personally, as I said before, I was super scared of going on this trip. Mostly, due to my ME condition. I was scared that I’d collapse; that I’d not be able to walk to the places I’d need to go; that I’d not be able to function without as much sleep; that my strength would fail me and I wouldn’t be able to go on as well as lots of other anxieties. I’ve lived with this condition for 3 years but I’ve never done anything like this whilst being ill. But God saw me through. He was faithful to me and gave me strength when I had none. He sustained me so that I could bless the city and talk to the people without my condition limiting me. I prayed to be sustained, to keep going, constantly and he answered that prayer more than I could have ever imagined. Overall, it was such a unique and brilliant experience. To rely fully on God has deepened my foundations in my faith and I feel closer to God than ever before. I pray that this continues in my life back in England, as there are always times when to pray is the most powerful thing you can do.

Take care

Hey so this letter was provoked by a comment someone said when I told them I have ME.
Me&X are casually talking and I mention that I'm interested in being a disability rep...

(This year is definitely starting with a bang! Two posts in January this must be madness!)
My second semester is starting tomorrow and I'm apprehensive but far less anxious than starting my first semester. They say I'm over the hill and on the final straight in terms of my first year at uni so let's hope that 'they' are right! I genuinely feel excited about starting new modules and learning new things from different professors. I used to think university was three years of learning more about the same thing until you are a fully fledged expert in that topic as if it was self contained, however, I now feel that university is like an obstacle course of education. You are constantly having to either run to catch up; jump over hurdles; climb through tunnels; walk whilst objects are being hurled at you and when you do get to calmly catch your breath and look around you, you realise how many months have gone by. And there is no real stopping because there is a time limit to this experience. Though this may sound terrifying or pessimistic, obstacle courses can be fun. Me and my siblings used to create our own ones when we were younger and though they were challenging and exhausting we always had smiles on our faces and did it all with laughter, together. It was also never a race, we took it in turns (mostly because there was only one washing line). So yes I'm sticking by my analogy of an obstacle course, we shall see if it changes in a couple months time.
Anyway, what has this got to do with honesty? Well, I try to be honest on this blog, possibly too honest, but I always want to say my lows as well as my highs. Possibly so it can help someone else going through the same things but also so that I remember the difficulties I've faced so I know I can do it again and it adds colour to my life story. I have already said how I have difficulty remembering simple things (short term memory loss) and so I may forget the fire I have been forged in. For me, this honest account of my life and uni years is priceless. However, outside this screen I am not entirely as truthful. I have to be honest about my condition and my limitations but sometimes I do just want to say I'm 'fine' or have another reason why I can't do 'x'. Telling someone you can't go because you're tired gets a bit repetitive after a while. Now I am not proud of this and I know that people will understand but for me this is my middle ground. I will always give people my honest opinion when they ask me for advice and I would never lie to people about big things but there is a different level of honesty for the 'real world'. I don't think that's a bad thing. Privacy is not the same as being dishonest. I know that people can just read this blog and find out but I like to think that most people have to ask me themselves which gives me the option to keep some things to myself.
If you're starting your second semester too then I wish you all the best on this obstacle course we call life.

Take care

The Way The Cookie Crumbles

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