The Way The Cookie Crumbles

As I write this, 'No Fear In Your Love' by the epic Jeremy Riddle is playing and I couldn't need that more. Bravery, is a topic which I have been thinking a lot about since making it my new years resolution. Is bravery confidence? Is it going to war? Is it risking our lives for someone? Or is it capturing that spider in your bathroom?

Well, I think there are some things which link all of the above. Aspects of bravery seem to be putting someone else or the long term, best result before your own fears. We've all had moments when we'd rather not do something, like go and ask the neighbors for the parcel your mate ordered or initiate a conversation with someone in a seminar you've never seen before. But the potential of making a new friend is worth the fear you might feel.

As Christians, we are told that God gives us a spirit 'not of fear but of power, love and self control' 2 Timothy 1:7, therefore, fear is from us being flawed humans not necessarily God's plan for us. It can be difficult to feel brave, especially when you are stepping out of your comfort zone or doing something new. But if you don't step out and test what God is saying to you, then you will never know the true bounty of what blessings He wants to pour into your life.

So, I have always been quite confident. From an early age, I loved attention and being in the spotlight. I would be the person that went over and talked to new people on the first day of school or tried different foods or activities even if I wasn't very good at them *coughskateboardingcough* but I always gave something new a go! I was confident when talking to older people, guys I fancied and going to new places on my own. However, I learnt through the past couple of years that though confidence is a big help, its not always the same as being brave.
The dictionary says brave means 'ready to face and endure danger or pain; showing courage'. When I was being confident I was focusing on my own abilities and qualities not necessarily ready to face danger or pain, especially not for other people. I feel like there is a huge emphasis on self confidence at the moment and whilst that is extremely useful being brave is much more rewarding. It is an act which puts someone or something else above yourself and your own abilities. I can be confident that I can perform CPR, but could I be brave enough to do it if I needed to? This is the kind of subtlety which I find fascinating in our language and culture!

I believe there is a reason that courage is specifically used in the bible. Courage, 'the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear; bravery.' This combines confidence and bravery as it is a quality you hold within yourself but also allows you to face the hard things that may come. To have courage is to know that you are not alone, that the positive outcome far outweighs any fear or pain you might face. I believe that God is that source of strength, He is the one who will never abandon us.
'For He Himself has said, "I will never leave you nor forsake you." So we may boldly say: "The LORD is my helper; I will not fear. What can man do to me?"'Hebrews 13:5-6

So go in courage today! Be bold in your faith, with questions or chatting to your friends about what a relationship with God means to you. Above all be brave, for He has created a path for you to tread you just have to take those first steps, He'll be walking right beside you.

Take care

We made it! Welcome to a new calendar year! A full 365 days to live life and write essays. So as is customary on here I am doing a new year post to talk about what I've learnt in 2017 and my hopes for 2018.

This last year has been insane!! I feel like I say that after every year but whenever it gets to the 31st December I get a glorious reminder of how much can change in a year. I started 2017 scared but determined, I gave my life to God and I don't think I could fully comprehend what that would mean for my year. I got to be a witness to my friends and family and show through my life how much I had been changed by Him. I finished first year of University (woop!); turned 21; got to travel over the summer to visit friends; had a little retreat of my own in York; met so many amazing people who I learnt so much from; had an incredibly vulnerable and encouraging prophetic word; moved into a new house; got the opportunity to go to a fusion conference and be humbled by the teaching there; and countless other things which have only just started!!

I have been so thankful for the opportunities I have received this year and I have a couple of resolutions or goals going into this new year. I am going to leave the planning up to God as He's changed my direction many times before!

Bravery

I am going to be braver in 2018. I know that I am a brave person inherently and do and say things others would be fearful of but this year I want to use that bravery to be lead into new things with God. I am starting the worship team at church (after being pretty obviously lead there by God) and I wasted so much time being terrified of that purpose instead of thanking Him and fully committing to glorifying Him through it. This year I am going to try and be braver and fully step into the new and challenging things He has planned knowing that I am never alone.

Comparison

I objectively and rationally know that my life is mine and is marked out for me. I can't live other peoples and I wouldn't want to! But sometimes I see my friends graduating, getting married, having yet another child and I compare my journey to theirs. I start to think in terms of 'when I'm 25 I want to be x,y and z' and dwell on the things that I don't have rather than what gifts I do. In 2018, I'm going to focus on my path and understand that there is a reason why I am in university at 21 and not starting a graduate job. I can be glad for my friends whilst knowing that I do not need to hurry this path. There is much gladness and goodness where I am and I don't want to rush to the next thing and miss the things which are happening now.

Travel

Being able to travel over the summer was so freeing and made me able to clear my head and truly reflect. I know that there is a reason I love travelling alone so much and meeting new and interesting people on the way! I want to hold onto this joy and find adventure through travel in 2018 too!

Create

This is broad as I'm not entirely sure how or what but I have a burning desire to create! Whether in poetry, calligraphy, social media, blogging, song writing or script writing I want to do more. As an outlet for my spirit, but also as a way to understand my own perspective of the world. I really would love to keep learning piano as well and just keep creating even if no-one else wants to see it.

Listen

This year I want to build people up by listening to them more. I do think I'm good at this but through listening I learn so so much! Friendships can be deepened, hurt become healed and differences overcome through listening. I never claim to know everything and this year I want to listen to teachers and people and just let them speak. Let people who don't always get a word in space and make them feel as valued as they genuinely are. I hope to meet people whom I can listen to and feel full afterwards. I want 2018 to be the year that I spend every moment I can listening to God so that I might be aligned with his plan and purpose for me; that I might fall more in love with Him as I hear his word and spend time in His presence.

I hope that this new year will bring blessings for us all and I can't wait to see what 2018 will bring.

Take care

Hey everyone,
As you may or may not know I am a relatively new christian. I don't know when I stop being a new christian but I gave my life to God at the beginning of 2017. During the past year it's been a transformation of mind, soul and life. I don't know why I didn't do it earlier!! Because I wasn't as well versed in christian culture or theology I have learnt some things about being a new christian and navigating faith and the church which I hope makes things a little less confusing when your faith is young.

1. Find a church and give people a chance
This is number one because it was something I really struggled with as a new christian. I was weary of church politics and of people who seemed too judgmental and looked down on me. It hurt when people said that I wouldn't know what to do and I always felt like I missed out on a relationship with God for so many years longer than my peers. It hurt when people were too busy to chat; I had a rough month where it felt like no one cared anymore. Now I had been baptised, I was supposed to just get on with it. People didn't need to keep inviting me to things because it was now expected that I'd turn up. My heart knew that this was the enemy sewing seeds of doubt and division in my life, pushing me away from those who would help strengthen my faith but it was scary how quickly I closed off again. My advice to you is to keep pushing through it. Don't always wait for people to reach out first but message them! You'll be surprised how many people are willing to meet for an hour or two and chat about anything, God, uni, home, friends, relationships ect. If you really feel left out, say something! Don't keep the hurt inside, talk to a student worker or friend or someone in the church and pray through it. Pray against division and hurt. Community is so so important with faith at any stage. Don't give up on them.

2. Frustration is a gift
This is a bit of a tricky one but something I feel needs to be addressed. Not everyone will have a perfect relationship with God/Jesus/the holy spirit and not everyone will agree with everything in the bible. This is not a judgement of other Christians (as I am not a judgey person or have any right to be) but an observation. I do not have a perfect relationship with God. I sin and get frustrated at Him and go against what the holy spirit says in my heart sometimes. Maybe it was just me, but when I found community in Christ I thought everyone who had been Christians much longer than me would be experts at following the spirit and would want to do everything Jesus did. I thought I'd never keep up with the healing, outreach, evangelism, serving, 24hr prayers, non stop worship and generous giving. However, all people are going on their own journey and that's important to remember. Faith has nothing to do with how long you've believed or what group you lead, its a personal relationship with God. You may feel frustrated that you're trying to listen to the holy spirit and what God is saying but it feels like others aren't. Or that you really want to evangelise and get stuck into outreach and others are happy just staying in their church groups. Firstly, I will say never dampen that spirit and fire for God! Keep seeking Him out and even if others think you're mad, do it with wisdom. Secondly, it's ok that you're frustrated. Paul called out the churches he wrote to but he still loved them and prayed for them. You might be scared to speak up about something because you're new to it but don't be! (blog post about this coming soon) There are always others wanting to change too but are too scared/comfortable to do it without someone else speaking first. You have been given a great gift of not being comfortable with the way things are done, because it's new, so speak up with love. Pray about the change you want to see happen, pray with others about it, write about it, talk in a casual setting to your friends and see what they think, pray some more! If God is in it and leading it, amazing things can and will happen!!

3. Try not to be intimated
You will meet all sorts of people. People who know obscure bible verses off by heart; people who get prophesies at the drop of a hat; people who can stand up infront of everyone and say the word they feel God say to them; people who know the entire history of paul/the bible/ ancient rome/greece; and so on. These people can be very intimidating to new Christians trying to discern God's voice for the first time but remember they were there once. Everyone has their gifts and their calling. You don't have to be up on stage leading worship to have a strong foundation of faith or be a 'good' christian. It's awesome that God uses those people in that way but he made us all differently for different purposes. Don't get discouraged if you didn't know Mark was in the gospels or if you think a word has come from God and it doesn't connect with anyone. The first couple of times I prayed for healing, nothing seemed to happen at it was a tad awkward. I have never got the instant miracle spectacles (yet) but as long as we believe it can happen; God can heal; our hearts are right with Him and God can use us for his purpose then that's the best place to start. Also, in my experience, people won't tease you or judge you for stepping out and trying to learn. They want to cultivate that hunger for God not stamp it out.

4. Get to know your church community
As a new christian, other Christians are crucial to your faith journey. We weren't meant to be alone and the people who brought you to faith are put around you for a reason. They love you and they might not even know you yet so talk to them. Ask for a cup of tea catch up, cook them dinner, go to church events, small groups or mission and really see why these people love God. Everyone will have a story and they are beautiful! The church is somewhere that people who are passionate about God are gathered so basically its one of the greatest places to get advice, encouragement, prayer and healing (but not the only place!). There are always people who love what they do because the church doesn't pay millions so you have to love what you do to work in a church. If someone says to ask them when you need help: they mean it. If they say call me anytime: they mean it. If they say tell me what I can pray for: they mean it! These people have hearts where Jesus is King and no matter what, that binds us together.

I hope this helps clear up some things I struggled with at the start of my faith. There are many others so I will do another post later on next year.

Take care

Hey everyone, today I thought about talking about unknowns and God’s plan. Its quite relevant to most of us right now. I’m just about to move into my shared house and there have been a lot of uncertainty with my family so it’s something I’ve been thinking a lot about. Whether it’s moving job, career, relationships, health or leaving uni there are many unknowns in life. One of the hardest things I’ve had to accept is no matter how detailed your plans are you can never know everything that’s going to happen. You can think you know how something is going to turn out but it can always change. Now this doesn’t have to be scary:

Jerimiah 29 v 11: ‘For I know the plans I have for you, plans to give you hope and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’

The verse after I find useful as well ‘Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you’

God listens to us, he looks after and protects us. Isn’t that amazing! This all powerful, all loving literal God has got our backs. He has our future in his hands, and It’s for good!

Recently, I’ve found this concept a bit difficult because things can feel a bit senseless, that question of why is this happening? Where is God in this? I am definitely guilty of doubt, especially when things seem to lead to one path and then an almighty road block comes out of nowhere and you’re like ‘but I thought that’s what you wanted me to do God?’, ‘I’ve worked so hard at this’ ect. It sort of reminds me of a journey we went on when I was little with my dad. We’d been driving for a while and it was pretty stormy. There was signs saying road ahead flooded but we kept going. A man with a lorry waved us down and said that the road ahead was flooded too deep for our car. However, if we turned back now it would take us hours to get home and we were almost at our destination. So my dad drove straight into it and got stuck. The car started filling with water and he had flooded the engine. Basically, if he’d have listened to the man who knew what was ahead of us, we wouldn’t have ruined the car.

But instead of saying that my challenge to myself and you guys is to ask God to reveal himself in those unknowns and to pray for his help in trusting that he knows there is a better path for you.

Take care

I feel like every time I sit down to write on this blog, I am usually talking about changes in my life. I suppose life is mainly changes, from growing up to thinking differently about issues and gaining some much needed perspective, but I feel like my life is never stable or stays the same for very long. In the past this has both scared and excited me at the same time. This change is no different.

Hey so I wanted to talk about this for a while now. I feel like I don’t mention it as much as I used to but I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome or CFS otherwise known as ME. Because of this illness it caused me to lose most of my memories, both short and long term, my strength, my personality and eventually my ability to walk. It was rough.
I only mention this because I think it’s a great metaphor for faith and walking with God. Everyone who has this illness is different, no one knows why it happens to some people and not others, no one knows what really causes it. It could literally be from having a virus like Glandgelar fever or like in my case from a traumatic event. Regardless of the cause it starts small with fatigue. You can’t do certain tasks anymore, you can’t think straight, you feel the need to sleep but it’s never restful and never fixes anything. Things then get steadily worse as the illness progresses. When I couldn’t walk anymore that was the lowest I think I’ve ever felt. It was like someone had taken every last part of me and my usefulness and I had nothing left. I know that being able to walk is a gift that most able bodied people take for granted, and when you don’t have it anymore its just awful. That’s what it was like when I walked away from God. I felt the connection break, the closeness drift. I felt like I couldn’t pray or read scripture or go to church, it got to the point where I couldn’t physically go into a church without feeling intense anxiety. Eventually through the love and dedication of some great Christian friends at the start of uni, I gave my life to God. Since then it’s been a roller-coaster of emotions and trusting God to lead my life was the best decision I have ever made.

Learning to walk again is still probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Putting one foot in front of the other and keeping my strength and balance is super hard if you have to learn from scratch. I felt like a child, like a toddler, wobbling, falling, crying. I had to be disciplined to keep my difficult diet and not eat anything that would harm my chances of getting better. I had to trust my Ocupational Therapist and myself as to what was best for my recovery. I had to build a firm foundation and work upon that, not go too far too quickly and end up back at square one. I had to choose who I surrounded myself with wisely. It was hard to leave certain people behind but if they were only pouring negativity and toxic thoughts into my mind I knew it was time to let them go. Most importantly, I had to believe that I would get to that place of recovery. I had to have faith that one day I would have the strength and energy to play with my nephew without collapsing. This isn’t just positive thoughts but actually, whole hearted faith that I WOULD get there. I visualised the end goal and I knew every sacrifice along the way was worth it.

None of this was easy. I am talking from a retrospective view but it took a long time to achieve, and I still have hard days now, but it was more than worth it. Learning to walk with God again can be very difficult as well. We have to be disciplined Hebrews 12 “No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. “Make level paths for your feet,” so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.”

You have to be disciplined to keep the relationship with Jesus going and read that bible even when your head is foggy or you have no idea how this relates to anything in your life. To be disciplined and stop when you feel temptation take hold. I wasn’t allowed to eat meat, dairy, bread, sugar or caffeine for a whole year and sometimes that was easier than saying no to sin.

We are called to trust the Lord our God. Trust has always been difficult for me but faith is about trust. We have to fully believe that He has our best interests at heart and that the people he has placed around us care about us and our relationship with God. “Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.” Hebrews 10:23 In that same vein we need to have a strong foundation in faith. We have to be wise about our choices, not to go in too deep and then have nothing of substance there when the hard times strike. When it feels as though our world has been toppled we have to build from the ground up, from our solid and deep foundation in Jesus Christ.

Finally, we must fully and with a joyful heart believe that the end goal, the reward of eternal salvation and life in heaven is worth the sacrifices in our earthly lives. Elsewhere in Hebrews, Hebrews 11:6 “because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.” But there are so many examples of this in the bible. Galations 6:9 “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.”; James 1:12 “Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.”; Romans 6:23 “For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.”; 2 Corrinthians 4:17 “For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.” And I could go on and on but we’d be here all day.

Jesus died for us, for you, for me, for all of humanity and surely that is worth not giving in to sin? But do you know what’s even greater than that!! Even when we do stumble or fall like a toddler learning to walk again He picks us up and forgives us completely. Hebrews 10:17 “Their sins and lawless acts
I will remember no more.” He completely erases it from his memory. 1 John, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” He doesn’t say some or most he says ALL. Making mistakes is a part of life and learning to walk again. We all fall short of the Glory of God (Romans 3:23). But that doesn’t mean we give up. Everlasting life in relationship with Him in heaven is our greatest goal, our greatest reward.

So in closing I’d just ask that if you are struggling with something in your walk with God, don’t let it consume you. Just know that when you fix your eyes on Jesus, his light will guide your steps. And if you confess your sins, you will be forgiven.

Take care

This is a topic which I often think about as trust has always been (and still continues to be) something I struggle with. Like many people, I have been let down by people who were supposed to look after me and people whom I loved and trusted. Whether it’s someone who you have been close to for years or someone who is in a position of authority over you, being let down is never fun. Over my life I started to get a catchphrase of sorts when this would happen; “Everyone will let you down eventually”. Not the most optimistic motto to carry through your secondary school life. In my head, it helped me to not get hurt. I kept my distance in friendships and relationships which meant that when they eventually broke down or I was let down, I could just cut them out of my life and move on.

Now I know this sounds very cold and calculated but I honestly thought that was the best way to deal with hurt; cut them out and never give them another chance to hurt me. Obviously, this did not stop me being hurt or feeling betrayed by these people but it instead did something more harmful. I kept everything inside, the little shards of my heart still sharp and painful but locked up. People only saw what I wanted them to and bit by bit it was getting less and less of the real me.

What is the point of me telling you this? You may be asking. Well, curious reader, this is to show you that I’ve been there. At that lonely place where you keep everyone at arm’s length, you don’t forgive and you keep saying “everyone lets you down eventually”. Amazingly, there is a better way to deal with the pain.

Firstly, you have to let it go aka give it all to God. Easier said than done, right? All that hurt and anger and betrayal is not good for you. It’s stopping you from fully diving into great friendships and gaining freedom from being vulnerable. Lay it all down. It helps me to just have a proper rant to God. Every little thing that really upset me, from the seemingly small to the enormous, can't-put-it-in-words-without-crying things. Embrace the vulnerable!! When you are ready, share it with others. Choose them and pray about it wisely but once you have opened up to someone the weight starts to lift. Basically, you face your fear of not trusting people head on as being vulnerable with someone is a small step towards acceptance. Speaking things out loud can be really healing when you’ve kept it in for so long. Writing also can help or maybe get creative and sing or draw or paint. As long as you are letting it out and not holding onto it anymore, go for it!

Then *deep breath* forgive yourself for believing or trusting them. Might sound strange that this one is before forgiving the person/people but hear me out. Often when we have been let down, we are upset with the people but also some of that can reaffirm all the insecurities we’ve had before. That we’re stupid, naive, unlovable, unpopular, have poor judgment or can’t ever be happy with someone. THESE ARE LIES!! And can be so ingrained in our mind that we don’t even realise they’re being constantly validated. Every-time, someone cancels plans or forgets our birthday it comes back like an annoying spot that refuses to leave. So, as hard as it is, sit down and imagine the person that you were before you were let down and tell them the truth. That they are not stupid, that they are loved, that they're not to blame and that it’s not their fault that you are hurting now. God was with you then and He is still with you now. He loved you then just as He loves you now.

Forgive the person/people that let you down. I don’t know what happened in your life to make you feel like you can’t trust people but I promise you that you have the power to forgive them. It takes so much strength to forgive someone. Pray about it, imagine them in the place and say it to them. Remember, you have God with you, no one is bigger, stronger or better than Him so even if you feel weak, He will give you strength. To forgive someone fully, it is hard and painful. But the brilliant thing is that have the power to forgive them through God. When you’ve felt out of control of the situation, you have the chance to reclaim that control. Healing and forgiveness means that you won't let what happened to you, affect the rest of your life/friendships/relationships. You have the freedom to break away from that cycle and choose to trust and love others.

Finally, accept the love and freedom that forgiveness and letting go brings. I have to be honest here, this is the one I am still struggling with. Once you have told yourself that you can’t trust anyone or God for years, it is really hard to accept that you can now.
There are people around you who genuinely love and care about you. They want to see you succeed and have fun and walk out in faith. They get excited when you are excited for a new project and stay up talking with you when you just need to talk things through. They are also only human. Just like you are. They might forget something; they might say something; they might cancel plans but they will always love you. Don’t fall into the trap that just because someone missed your coffee catch-up that they don’t care. The people who really care about you will encourage you; hold you accountable; make time and space for you somehow; and will let you be vulnerable without judgment. You can know that you are loved and cared for, but you have to accept it too.

This is a journey (isn’t everything) and so it probably won’t happen overnight but persevere and ask God to show you how much you’re loved and for the holy spirit to fill you with peace and healing. God will never let you down, trust me.

Take care

Recently, I was part of a team which went to Nantes, France as part of Fusion’s Escape and Pray. For those who don’t know what that is, at its basic level you spend 48 hours in a European university city and pray for God’s provision and blessing whilst you’re there. You have no accommodation or plans and only 20 euros. I know, it sounded like a terrifying and exciting adventure to me too! Honestly, up until the actual day of departure I was so scared. This was a big test of faith and our trust was fully rewarded.

The first time I fully felt God providing for us was when we’d hit a bit of a lul and were contemplating getting a room for the night and Rhys got

a message from a pastor whose bible study we’d been invited to that evening. The pastor, Andrew, offered to put us up for two nights in their beautiful home! Overjoyed is underplaying it! We praised God that even when doubt and tiredness filled our minds he was always there quietly making a way for us and protecting us.

That evening’s bible study was a brilliant experience. We got the opportunity to meet so many students and people from Northern Ireland, Nigeria, California, Indonesia, Mexico, France and Chilli! Interestingly enough, their topic was cross-cultural evangelism which was very apt for our trip and gave us some bible verses which I carried with me over the next day and a half. I experienced the peace of the holy spirit so strongly that evening among those inspiring people and I was so grateful for their acceptance. We ended up talking well into the night and I felt honoured to have been there.

On the Tuesday evening, we got the opportunity to visit a house of prayer on the outskirts of Nantes. It was originally a farm but 3 Christian families bought the 3 buildings and they used them as prayer rooms, a food bank and a local produce shop. They also gave their wooden house out for people who needed shelter for the night. There was so much love, prayer and grace in this place that it was hard not to be moved by it. Vincent was overflowing with compassion and humility. We kept saying how amazing what he was doing there was, and he just couldn’t believe what we were doing either! God was using those people as such a force for good and his love was shining out of the people there that it was a blessing to be in their presence.

Personally, as I said before, I was super scared of going on this trip. Mostly, due to my ME condition. I was scared that I’d collapse; that I’d not be able to walk to the places I’d need to go; that I’d not be able to function without as much sleep; that my strength would fail me and I wouldn’t be able to go on as well as lots of other anxieties. I’ve lived with this condition for 3 years but I’ve never done anything like this whilst being ill. But God saw me through. He was faithful to me and gave me strength when I had none. He sustained me so that I could bless the city and talk to the people without my condition limiting me. I prayed to be sustained, to keep going, constantly and he answered that prayer more than I could have ever imagined. Overall, it was such a unique and brilliant experience. To rely fully on God has deepened my foundations in my faith and I feel closer to God than ever before. I pray that this continues in my life back in England, as there are always times when to pray is the most powerful thing you can do.

Take care

Hey so this letter was provoked by a comment someone said when I told them I have ME.
Me&X are casually talking and I mention that I'm interested in being a disability rep...

(This year is definitely starting with a bang! Two posts in January this must be madness!)
My second semester is starting tomorrow and I'm apprehensive but far less anxious than starting my first semester. They say I'm over the hill and on the final straight in terms of my first year at uni so let's hope that 'they' are right! I genuinely feel excited about starting new modules and learning new things from different professors. I used to think university was three years of learning more about the same thing until you are a fully fledged expert in that topic as if it was self contained, however, I now feel that university is like an obstacle course of education. You are constantly having to either run to catch up; jump over hurdles; climb through tunnels; walk whilst objects are being hurled at you and when you do get to calmly catch your breath and look around you, you realise how many months have gone by. And there is no real stopping because there is a time limit to this experience. Though this may sound terrifying or pessimistic, obstacle courses can be fun. Me and my siblings used to create our own ones when we were younger and though they were challenging and exhausting we always had smiles on our faces and did it all with laughter, together. It was also never a race, we took it in turns (mostly because there was only one washing line). So yes I'm sticking by my analogy of an obstacle course, we shall see if it changes in a couple months time.
Anyway, what has this got to do with honesty? Well, I try to be honest on this blog, possibly too honest, but I always want to say my lows as well as my highs. Possibly so it can help someone else going through the same things but also so that I remember the difficulties I've faced so I know I can do it again and it adds colour to my life story. I have already said how I have difficulty remembering simple things (short term memory loss) and so I may forget the fire I have been forged in. For me, this honest account of my life and uni years is priceless. However, outside this screen I am not entirely as truthful. I have to be honest about my condition and my limitations but sometimes I do just want to say I'm 'fine' or have another reason why I can't do 'x'. Telling someone you can't go because you're tired gets a bit repetitive after a while. Now I am not proud of this and I know that people will understand but for me this is my middle ground. I will always give people my honest opinion when they ask me for advice and I would never lie to people about big things but there is a different level of honesty for the 'real world'. I don't think that's a bad thing. Privacy is not the same as being dishonest. I know that people can just read this blog and find out but I like to think that most people have to ask me themselves which gives me the option to keep some things to myself.
If you're starting your second semester too then I wish you all the best on this obstacle course we call life.

Take care

Here we are again, the new year is just beginning and this is when I reflect on this past year and look forward to the next 12 months. This year has been full of reflections though. I feel with every blog post I have tried to be self reflecting and used looking back as a way to look forward and see how far I've come.

Whilst the dew descends on the earth in the early morning, and the sun breaks through the clouds, I can smell the seasons change from Summer to Autumn. I feel the sun warm my cheeks as the wind whips around my face and I smile into the showers. This is my season and what a glorious season it is!

Ding! Ding! Round 2
Deep breath as I walk up to the entrance. Breathe. It'll be okay. It's not the same place. They're not the same people. Breathe, just breathe.
This was running round my head like a lopsided puppy with a chew toy, which she didn't really know why she was carrying, but she sure wasn't letting go.

It's arrived. One email dings into my inbox, the induction timetable, online registration and enrollment information all flood my vision and I start to panic.
Is this what I want? It's all happening again! So I shut it down and breathe.
It is 4 days until I start my new university course and I am having mixed thoughts, so I thought I'd share them in case other people are in a similar boat.

So the time has come for me to move to my University city, again. My last post about this time last year was a little bit somber and fearful because I felt absolutely terrified about moving out. I didn't want to leave my family, especially my newly born nephew, I'd just been diagnosed with CFS and it was incredibly stressful as my sister was getting married at the same time. This time around though, I feel very differently.
I am obviously still nervous about starting my course and the challenges I'll face with studying whilst managing my condition, however, I am not home sick or scared. I was far more relaxed moving into my new place than I ever was moving into halls in Birmingham. I didn't cry when my parents left, actually I haven't cried at all! Which is amazing as I didn't last two days in halls without having a major cry and wanting to come home. But now, I'm cooking food for myself, shopping, taking the bins out; chatting to reception; sorting out issues; emailing everyone and I feel okay. I actually feel good!
Living by myself in a studio flat has really helped my situation and confidence. I can set my own routine and cook whenever I want to. It is far more money and I'm basically bankrupt but I can just spend time listening to music and eating carrots and I don't have to talk to or answer to anyone. Now I am still calling my family and friends but not everyday or for hours at a time. I am in control of my life and I don't need to go home.
This might change when I start the course and everything gets a bit more hectic but I honestly think not having 7 other students around constantly really helps my frame of mind. I'm not trying to please anyone but me; I don't have to impress or be chatty when I'm trying to conserve my energy or explain my condition a million times so that they might actually listen and turn off the music early. I also do not miss pre-drinks and people coming in after a night out, and not having to clear up horrific messes in the morning is pure paradise!

So, I have moved and I am still nostalgic about no longer being a teenager and becoming my own person. I still miss the hustle and bustle of home life, my family and the town I grew up in, but I don't feel regretful. I'm ready to move on to the next stage, after all
"There is always fear at a new start,
But if you don't start a new chapter,
you'll never finish the story."

Take care

If you've never been to university or had any dealings with Student Finance England (SFE) I am green with envy at your blissful ignorance. They are an ordeal to say the least. I used to think that all you have to do is apply for finance and then go to uni and that's that, right?

Many people reading this have probably been in some sort of limbo where you're waiting for something to happen. It could be a new job, moving place or an appointment, whatever it is there is always a point where you have done most of the prep work and can't put your anxiety into being busy sorting it out.

At the risk of repeating myself, how is it May already?!

I am almost constantly switching between 'I want it to be august' and 'Why is this year going so quickly?' and I feel like a middle aged mother whose children are growing up too fast. If I ever say 'it feels like yesterday when I was changing nappies' then you have full permission to wrap me in a blanket and leave me on the doorstep of a retirement home.

Last month was pretty brilliant for 2016, I got to see some great friends and I felt the best I'd felt in a long time. I was cooking more and eating healthier, as well as doing more in a day. I write everything that I do in the day on my calendar so I don't forget it and when I feel like I've done nothing and wasted a month, it's nice to go back and see. I did some life admin and feel much more prepared now, although there's still so much to do before September.

I think that's the problem though, there is always more to do; more forms to fill out; more emails to write and so on until a whole year has gone past and you're trying to remember what you were doing. Therefore, it is so important to write down the times you went shopping for fun or went for a walk through a nature reserve or caught coffee with someone because those moments matter at the end much more than the time you wrote an email. I'm not saying that you shouldn't do the life admin things but write the positives down so you don't feel like you're wasting life, because you're probably not.

Anyway this is just a quick one as I've not got much concentration today.

Take care

Recently, I started Graded Exercise Therapy which is a programme aimed at helping people with CFS/ME to manage their energy levels and stop the destructive boom/bust cycles. I have been instructed to take 3x15minutes rests a day and only do 5 minutes of physical activity for 3 weeks and then I can gradually increase it. At the start it was really hard to get into a routine but now (on week 10) it's easier. I'm rating my energy levels throughout the day and taking the average to put into a graph of recovery. It's basically just to keep me focused on the improvements I'm making and showing me how far I've come. People who are suffering with any long term illness will know that you tend to forget your worst points and how 'normal' health feels.
I've been stable energy wise for a month now so I am trying to increase my overall energy by diet, a sleep regime and several other small things which help cumulatively.

Diet

I am currently on a vegan, sugar free, gluten free diet where by I eat mostly vegetables, fruit, gluten and dairy free pasta, rice, bulgar wheat and beans and pulses. Cutting out gluten has helped my IBS symptoms greatly and cutting out stimulants such as caffeine, refined sugar and alcohol have helped me not have energy spikes and crashes. I've only been on this diet for just 2 weeks now but I'm persevering with it as I feel better in myself and not binging on carbs or chocolate when I'm feeling low really helps my mental well being. I will do an update on this in a couple of months when I've gotten used to it.

Sleep

I used to think that as long as I was getting sleep that was good enough but by trying to have a regular routine around sleep it has helped me have more refreshing sleep and I wake up feeling not as groggy. I aim for having an hour before bed (8-9pm) without looking at any screens, no phone, laptop or tv for an hour before sleep helps shut off your brain and stops that wired feeling. So I listen to the radio, brush my teeth, wash my face and sometimes have a bath whilst winding down for sleep. I take melatonin at the moment to help me feel sleepy so I take it half way through this hour (8:30pm). I know that's super early for most people but I've found that getting an early night and waking up at 8am is a really good routine for me. I would try to at least be in bed by 10pm if I've had to be up at night. I also have a meditation podcast for the last half hour in bed which gives my mind something to focus on when I'm falling asleep. Like I said though, this is only from my personal experience but it's been the best thing to change and has given me the best results in terms of energy levels.

Other

The other little changes I've done are: not looking at screens as much as I find my brain starts to go on overdrive when I'm on my computer all day; Not watching intense films, tv or playing intense video games as the exhaust me; Not pushing myself to do the excersize if my body just cannot cope; Not socializing as much as that takes alot of my energy and brain power which could be better used helping me recover. Also, remembering that I wouldn't use my phone when it was only on 5% battery so why am I trying to use my body and mind when its energy has been depleated. It's so difficult to wait until your 'battery' is at least 90% full but it is something I know I will be so proud I did when I recover fully.

I hope this helps some people out there.

Take care

Here are some thought's I've had whilst looking back on my 20 years of life.

1. I love food! All types, cuisines and flavours. Food is amazing and I love it.
2. I can cook, pretty well. I mean I'm no Delia Smith, but I can follow a recipe without being too flustered and make up some dishes off the top of my own head too.
3. I have more determination than I would have ever thought possible and I can weather most storms.
4. My family mean a heck of a lot to me and no matter how disjointed or frustrating they might get, I wouldn't change them for the world.
5. Friends are people who care and take time for me too, it's a two way street and you can't look after everyone.
6. Don't spend time and energy on people who I instantly dislike and distrust. I can live my life without them and they can live theirs. I don't need people like that.
7. I am amazing under pressure! I always thought I'd be the kind of person who would breakdown at the slightest notion of things falling apart but actually I'm sort of a boss at getting things done when it really counts.
8. Don't go on a trip abroad without having a solid plan of things I actually want to do.
9. I don't have to wear makeup all the time, literally noone cares. Also, bobby pins go in flat side up.
10. Social media is a brilliant way of connecting with people and having fun.
11. I don't need social media on all the time, some moments don't need a selfie or hashtag and are better as moments.
12. I can change a nappy, feed a baby, clean up baby sick (without gagging), rock them to sleep and not be mad when said baby wakes up early.
13. I love my nephew and niece so much. They are incredible and my sister and brother in law are amazing for looking after them. Sometimes it's hard when I can't see them or play with them as much but I will always be there for them if they need me.
14. It's ok to live life not according to plan. Everyone goes off the path sometimes and it can lead to a happier and more fulfilled one even if you can't see it straight away.
15. Don't force yourself to be 'normal', I am me and will always be. I cannot do something my body can't and I don't need to do what everyone else is doing if it means being miserable.
16. Sometimes I will do things I don't want to or have jobs I hate and that's ok. This will not be forever.
17. My CFS/ME is manageable, I just needed a lot of time, practice and someone to take a chance on me.
18. I am capable of patience. Not everything will be done right now and I can accept that, it gives you time to enjoy rather than stressing about it.
19. Barriers are not put in front of me without some way of going forward being there also. There is always a way to move onwards and upwards, I just have to trust it.
20. People will always have an opinion and 'advice'. You do not have to take it all to heart, just listen until they have finished and let it glide off you like rain.

Take care

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